How

do I believe that someone will ever love me? No one does. No one stays. No one can. but the girl in the mirror and she is I.

darkness is coming.

I
fear.

Lightless.

The curse of his powers tormented his life
Obeying the crown was a sinister price
His soul was tortured by love and by pain
He surely would flee, but the oath made him stay

He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life
He prayed for both but was denied

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind
So many years have passed, who are the noble and the wise?
Will all our sins be justified?
Hand of Sorrow - Within Temptations.


The is a dark place that I belong to. Many times I try to bring a torch, to light it up, to burn the whole place down, but like a dream I awake again and again to this dark place, year ofter year, I have grown to expect it, I have learned to cope, but the place is still dark and I still do not like it here.

This is not something I can control, not something I can will away, and not something I know how to rely on someone about.

These days just drag on, as I move around invisible and functioning, vacant inside with blood flushing the corridors, I want release, but I know not to expect it, but there are so many things that can temporary still this gnawing pain inside, the cold side of a pocket knife, the feeling of being empty inside, the raw sweat and panting, then fitful sleep, anything really that can make me forget being in the dark place.

Who will save me? God's grace? His strength? My heart grows cold when thinking of this, how many times do I have to revisit this dark place trying to accept that He allows it. I cannot, I cannot kiss the hand that slaps me again and again.

Bring me to life, let me be free from this suffering one day, I will pass on, perfect, fair, I will get there one day. Then I know, it's time to shut the door to this dark place forever, it will be the time to end my extended stay on this place of sorrow.

Depression. Stage Four in the Kübler-Ross Model.

Please forgive me for the sorrow
For leaving you in fear
For the dreams we had to silence
That's all they'll ever be
Still I'll be the hand that serves you
Though you'll not see that it is me.

Relapse

I get upset when I see people talk about love, how they've loved and is loved and all that. Somehow it trips the wrong switch inside of me. I see people surrounded by people caring for them and I have to admit it's hard to accept at times that I cannot partake in this love because I am very hard to love. One can say that he loves me but I understands or know nothing of that love and to pretend I received it would be a lie, but to hurt a person who loves me by my claims of nobody loving me is cruel.

I don't know which I should be.

He once said, you claim no one loves you, but it's actually you not being able to find someone who can love you the way you want. Receiving love is passive. It might be but I just cannot allow myself to believe that I deserve such a free gift, even if I do, the person will eventually make me despondent and that I cannot have considering my bipolar. I'm trying to survive by keeping everyone at arms length, but when I see people in love and getting what I can never get because of the bipolar I get upset too.

But I have to remember this is the best. It's not like I haven't tried the alternative, but when I open myself to love, the depressive episodes was insane, i cry and laugh and scream myself every night.

Today I looked myself in the mirror and ask do I want to go back to being that pathetic being? That fat and needy me. Hell no. Never. So everytime I see parents and their darling offsprings, or couples, or good friends, or even when I am able to be a good friend to someone and then the thought pops up in my mind, about who is going to love me and care for me and before I get sad I must remember this.

No one can love me in a way that it is not painful for both me and that person, no one but I and I am now fully capable to love myself. So let the phantom pain remind me when I see love exhanged, as I bit my lower lip and take the waves of crushing sadness that I am meant to be like this. Only I can love myself. So it will be fine. We will be fine.

Grief

Feel it coming in the air
Hear the scream from everywhere
I'm addicted to the thrill
It's a dangerous a love affair
Can't be scared when it goes down
Got a problem tell me now.

Life's a game but it's not fair
I break the rules so I don't care
So I keep doing my own thing
Walking tall against the rain
Victory's within the mile
Almost there don't give up now.
Run This Town - JayZ feat Rihanna & Kanye West

The past.

I was beaten down, spat upon, brutalized, tossed aside as unloved. Unwanted. I grew up this way, rugged on the edges. strong inside.

But nothing can tear us down, you and me, both of us, we will fight this thing, We are now strong, fit, beautiful and so invincible. Feel the power, harness it, be stronger.

We can do this. See this love, it's not important, you do not need love, we do not need a family, we do not need a companion or a best friend, we do not need God.

We will walk tall against adversary, the rain, the pain, we will fight sword for sword to be stronger. This set back prepares me to be able to understand.

I am supposed to live this life alone. Don't feel bad, it makes me so strong. This is the price I pay.

Victory's within the mile, almost there don't give up now, SuitLin, we will run this town tonight.

Remember the pain, remember every bit of this anger, distill this to be your elixir, it will give you what you need. Even if you die trying, you do not die a coward. I will never give up on myself.

Watch me be stronger.

good

bones and skin
jutting
love me
only you can.

remember.

you are good alone.

promise me to never slip.

end.

help me understand. help me make this work.

Grief (iii)

Bargaining.

I'm waiting for you
But you do not know it, I wait in silence at the corner
Looking at you
reaching for you
oh if only you would love me
I would do anything.

I think I revisit this stage alot, sometimes i wait for you to come to me. But i am still having that soft spot for you.

But I can't keep bargaining for my own sake.

Disini ku menanti
Aku menanti

Dalam tidur
Ku terjaga dan terasa sunyi
Kedinginan
Semata-mata
Menyelubungi

Masih jua.
Disini ku menanti

- Masih Jua by Douglas Lim, OST Ghost.

Stage 3. Bargaining.

Forgive me

I forgot what its like to be used to my own skin today. I log into the internet and see baby pictures, pregnant pictures, wedding pictures, engagement pictures, couple pictures along with all the fluff and I am deflated, just for a moment I wonder what it is like to be wanted in that way.

She sat by me and said it was not to be. I knew, we knew, and have accepted our unique position.

But as we are unique, there is no reason why we cannot learn to live as we should.

I will prove myself worthy of my life.