Lines

Source

cut me out

and I lay bleeding

such beauty

the red and blacks

the pink and pale yellow,

for me to paint in colours

you'll see me drying,

slowly dying

until

you cut me out.

***

Somewhere between healing and finding a new way to live, the part of me that used to write, that part of me that used to be so integral and important in expression slowly took the back seat and now I see it falling off and decaying at my feet, like leafs cascading from a great tree that used to give me shade and comfort.

It's funny how without nourishment anything can just die, so much of the old me has now shrunk into something less than a shadow and a whiff of smoke in a distant memory, to give space for something necessary and stronger, something that was needed to change into what I want to be and where I want to be.

There is no regrets, and I am delighted at the change I have been through. But I also understand that it is not good, not good at all for me to feed my melancholic side with stories of lost and pain and abandonment, not good to indulge myself in pain so that I can bleed and feed the relative half truth about who I am.

So I am moving on, I have stopped writing poems and stories, scripts and ambigous 'she', I am no longer separating myself in many broken pieces, I have no more need to express myself in between these lines, no more need to let my tears stain my words and words to drain my tears.

In place of scars, which I have allowed to close, the skin is crumpled and discoloured, I cannot hide in the smoke screen of adjectives any more, the hiding is over and this is me, pure and simple, ugly and beautiful, torn, broken, but functioning.

The most beautiful thing I have given myself is the gift of simple acceptance and truth. Truth about how I feel, truth of how the scars are ok, even if they heal and hurt no more, they will be no need to have them define me entirely.

I am closing down my blog, surely I write my observations elsewhere, but I will not be writing stories for a long, long, long time. Because I don't want to cut myself up again and again. I am moving on and drawing a line.

Without leafs from that big tree I hid under, the view is fantastic. :)

If you still want to hear me rant about my life. Drop a comment with your email and I'll link you up. =)

good bye suitlin.blogspot.com!

Bursting

I am so satisfied to feel my heart pounding in my chest, till I feel like I could almost burst from the beauty of being alive, and strong.

It's an acceptance, I am unique, different, fearless, and living, i have not lived or waiting to live, I am living. and my heart is so full of what you have given me, i have filled it with you. :)

you lost me

I am done

Smoking gun

We lost it all

The love is gone

She has won
How it's no fun

we lost it all

the love is gone

and we had magic

and this tragic

you couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

and somehow you left me neglected

we found our lives been changed

babe, you lost me.

and we try

oh how we cry

we lost ourselves

the love has died

and though we tried

you can't deny

we're left as shells

we've lost the fight

and we had magic

and this tragic

you couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

and somehow you've left me neglected

we've found our lives been changed

babe you lost me.

Now I know you're sorry

and we were sweet

but you chose lust

when you deceive me

you regretted

but it's too late

how can I ever trust you again?

Christina Aguilera.

I have no words for us anymore. Yet didn't you made me stronger anyway.

Be not afraid

Let me tell you something, I am not sad, well not really, not depressed, not really either, my joy is not entirely back, but it is here, it is different, more sober perhaps, but more true.

I am growing up now, am I not?

Freedom is the absence of fear. Fear can only be rid when I know and I understand. I don't necessarily need to be able to be perfect, but I want to know, I want to try to make sense, and when making sense I extend acceptance. Such is the way I function today. It's a process.

I am tied to Arau, yes, tied to a job that I didn't choose yes. But I am still free because I will not be fearful of my potential. This is NOT my peak. I got better stuff lined up in SuitLin S30E01. XD

We should always choose our fights, choose where to place our effort and hope in, give it a direction and purpose, asking questions, finding answers, and after SPM, my friends, there are no right or wrong answers, no more marking scheme (unless you choose to teach ha-ha) just the proper one for you, you as an individual with needs, and desires and passion, we are passionate, we are, I believe we are.

So this is my choice, I will not fight the fact that I will be here until I am 29 at least (shut-up I know I am old), I will not fight the useless tiresome transfer process. But I will fight for my passion, I will fight for cultivating myself, I will fight for my joy, I will fight to understand. I will fight fear, I will not let fear fight for me.

We thrive when our passion is allowed to grow, we grow together with it, so now what do I do? I will be frank that I like teaching, but I don't like my profession. I don't like how it's tainted and how it's so far away from achieving what it can achieve. I don't necessarily like my students either. I just, quite frankly, like to talk about physics (and math). And spread that affinity for physics (and math) to people I come in contact with. I don't like to mother my students, I would love the power to kick them out of my class when they exhibit attitude problems.

But maybe I do care. I do care when they too start to care, and maybe they can teach me how to care, as I teach them physics.

and also, I want my masters. It's certain. I want it enough to say enough la, I dont want to fight with you about transferring me from kampung arau to kampung jugra. I will stay here, but I will gain more than experience, I will gain something invaluable. I will give myself a gift of stepping into the unknown waters of a research-based post-grad degree in a city 2 hours away, I will improve myself, I will learn to connect with people.

I will try.

I will be a learner.

I will be not afraid.

Rush rush rush!!

Its a mad rush! Again! 7 minutes and I wanna go makan lunch!

*I spent the whole night reading a Book of 1050+ pages and reached a very un-climatic and potong steam ending. I felt soooo cheated.

*I opened my loooong abondoned yahoo account to read current mails that make me chuckle in the middle of deary day.

* I have to mark ALL my lab reports in 9 days! MADNESS I TELL YOU. UTTER MADNESS!! Not to mention I have to quickly get my marks for continous assesment done. SO MUCH MARKING!!! I hate marking. PFT.

* I also have to prepare my prezi presentation for my lecture next week. Why am I so uninspired when it comes to physics nao. I am chalking it up to too much PHYSICS. OVERDOSE!!

* I think in CAPS and in !!!! now. It's like so !!!

* I'm loosing my mind.

* I am slowly evolving into a racist. God help my jaded soul. I think I am loosing it sometimes. GAH GAH GAH. Deep breaths, they are people, individuals, individuals, suitlin, not race, not a race. be ZEN. dont be HITLER.

* If I vomit everytime I hear something utterly ridiculous while working here I'll turn bulimic. Confirm case.

*Oh and I think hor, since certain people like to lie and push things around and I am so tired with dealing with ay-holes like this I'll be better to accept and stay put.

* Do my masters. Do my master. Be a master. YESSSS MASTER?

Ok lunch time nao.

Drop me a note la i veli lonely. =(

so many words so little space

honestly i feel that i am so severely under achieving. my resume would be empty and my past pursuits painfully frivolous. what happened to me the past few years? I want that part of me back.

but it's not going to come back. no one announces living with bipolar as an achievement, no one counts back the missing painful years. no one can. you are 25, you are still behind.

I love the way you lie

You accused me wrongly. You forgotten my scars and the burden I shoulder don't you? You don't get why I can't go to God but I am exasperated and dry mouthed trying to reach him to reach you or in fact to justify how this situation is just so fucked up.

But here's the ultimatum. I might get stronger, this is only because I promise I will fight until I die of exhaustion, or until someone walks up and kills me. But I cannot be with God with this pain inside, God has become my crutch, my vicodin, my excuse, my fear, everything he is to you, he was to me.

Yet he made me this way, I am still nursing his scars, I am still afraid, I still hate rejection, I still feel alone, I still hear those voices, but I choose to take a hold of myself and make them not matter, it's okay if I can never ever be that bitch sitting beside you in the pews but I have given myself honesty and I granted you the same, but you, hah, being christian and all decided to be very 'god'like with it and throw it back to my face, like I never mattered to you.

If you're trying to be like Him, bravo, you are.

When you had such a big, all encompassing presence fill your heart, when you once raise your hands and voice in praise and adoration, when you once loved him. and when he was once inside of you. And you leave because it is the only way for you to exist or to even breath without pain, the hole left behind is so indefinitely huge that you are left clutching your chest and gasping for air, pleading for the pain to go away. With every empty breath, you plead to forget, forget God, forget love, forget the scars.

You'll never accept me. Just like God never did. All both of you ever wanted to do was to use your love for me as leverage to make me change into what you want. You remove your love for me when I cannot be who you want me to. And you do this in the way that is the most painful to me, because I am capable of caring. and I cared for you.

It's okay. It hurts so damn much but it's okay.

Just get the fuck out of my life.