But here's the ultimatum. I might get stronger, this is only because I promise I will fight until I die of exhaustion, or until someone walks up and kills me. But I cannot be with God with this pain inside, God has become my crutch, my vicodin, my excuse, my fear, everything he is to you, he was to me.
Yet he made me this way, I am still nursing his scars, I am still afraid, I still hate rejection, I still feel alone, I still hear those voices, but I choose to take a hold of myself and make them not matter, it's okay if I can never ever be that bitch sitting beside you in the pews but I have given myself honesty and I granted you the same, but you, hah, being christian and all decided to be very 'god'like with it and throw it back to my face, like I never mattered to you.
If you're trying to be like Him, bravo, you are.
When you had such a big, all encompassing presence fill your heart, when you once raise your hands and voice in praise and adoration, when you once loved him. and when he was once inside of you. And you leave because it is the only way for you to exist or to even breath without pain, the hole left behind is so indefinitely huge that you are left clutching your chest and gasping for air, pleading for the pain to go away. With every empty breath, you plead to forget, forget God, forget love, forget the scars.
You'll never accept me. Just like God never did. All both of you ever wanted to do was to use your love for me as leverage to make me change into what you want. You remove your love for me when I cannot be who you want me to. And you do this in the way that is the most painful to me, because I am capable of caring. and I cared for you.
It's okay. It hurts so damn much but it's okay.
Just get the fuck out of my life.
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