Hardly Lucid

Lines

2010-09-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Source

cut me out

and I lay bleeding

such beauty

the red and blacks

the pink and pale yellow,

for me to paint in colours

you'll see me drying,

slowly dying

until

you cut me out.

***

Somewhere between healing and finding a new way to live, the part of me that used to write, that part of me that used to be so integral and important in expression slowly took the back seat and now I see it falling off and decaying at my feet, like leafs cascading from a great tree that used to give me shade and comfort.

It's funny how without nourishment anything can just die, so much of the old me has now shrunk into something less than a shadow and a whiff of smoke in a distant memory, to give space for something necessary and stronger, something that was needed to change into what I want to be and where I want to be.

There is no regrets, and I am delighted at the change I have been through. But I also understand that it is not good, not good at all for me to feed my melancholic side with stories of lost and pain and abandonment, not good to indulge myself in pain so that I can bleed and feed the relative half truth about who I am.

So I am moving on, I have stopped writing poems and stories, scripts and ambigous 'she', I am no longer separating myself in many broken pieces, I have no more need to express myself in between these lines, no more need to let my tears stain my words and words to drain my tears.

In place of scars, which I have allowed to close, the skin is crumpled and discoloured, I cannot hide in the smoke screen of adjectives any more, the hiding is over and this is me, pure and simple, ugly and beautiful, torn, broken, but functioning.

The most beautiful thing I have given myself is the gift of simple acceptance and truth. Truth about how I feel, truth of how the scars are ok, even if they heal and hurt no more, they will be no need to have them define me entirely.

I am closing down my blog, surely I write my observations elsewhere, but I will not be writing stories for a long, long, long time. Because I don't want to cut myself up again and again. I am moving on and drawing a line.

Without leafs from that big tree I hid under, the view is fantastic. :)

If you still want to hear me rant about my life. Drop a comment with your email and I'll link you up. =)

good bye suitlin.blogspot.com!

Bursting

2010-09-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am so satisfied to feel my heart pounding in my chest, till I feel like I could almost burst from the beauty of being alive, and strong.

It's an acceptance, I am unique, different, fearless, and living, i have not lived or waiting to live, I am living. and my heart is so full of what you have given me, i have filled it with you. :)

you lost me

2010-08-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

I am done

Smoking gun

We lost it all

The love is gone

She has won
How it's no fun

we lost it all

the love is gone

and we had magic

and this tragic

you couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

and somehow you left me neglected

we found our lives been changed

babe, you lost me.

and we try

oh how we cry

we lost ourselves

the love has died

and though we tried

you can't deny

we're left as shells

we've lost the fight

and we had magic

and this tragic

you couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

and somehow you've left me neglected

we've found our lives been changed

babe you lost me.

Now I know you're sorry

and we were sweet

but you chose lust

when you deceive me

you regretted

but it's too late

how can I ever trust you again?

Christina Aguilera.

I have no words for us anymore. Yet didn't you made me stronger anyway.

Be not afraid

2010-08-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something, I am not sad, well not really, not depressed, not really either, my joy is not entirely back, but it is here, it is different, more sober perhaps, but more true.

I am growing up now, am I not?

Freedom is the absence of fear. Fear can only be rid when I know and I understand. I don't necessarily need to be able to be perfect, but I want to know, I want to try to make sense, and when making sense I extend acceptance. Such is the way I function today. It's a process.

I am tied to Arau, yes, tied to a job that I didn't choose yes. But I am still free because I will not be fearful of my potential. This is NOT my peak. I got better stuff lined up in SuitLin S30E01. XD

We should always choose our fights, choose where to place our effort and hope in, give it a direction and purpose, asking questions, finding answers, and after SPM, my friends, there are no right or wrong answers, no more marking scheme (unless you choose to teach ha-ha) just the proper one for you, you as an individual with needs, and desires and passion, we are passionate, we are, I believe we are.

So this is my choice, I will not fight the fact that I will be here until I am 29 at least (shut-up I know I am old), I will not fight the useless tiresome transfer process. But I will fight for my passion, I will fight for cultivating myself, I will fight for my joy, I will fight to understand. I will fight fear, I will not let fear fight for me.

We thrive when our passion is allowed to grow, we grow together with it, so now what do I do? I will be frank that I like teaching, but I don't like my profession. I don't like how it's tainted and how it's so far away from achieving what it can achieve. I don't necessarily like my students either. I just, quite frankly, like to talk about physics (and math). And spread that affinity for physics (and math) to people I come in contact with. I don't like to mother my students, I would love the power to kick them out of my class when they exhibit attitude problems.

But maybe I do care. I do care when they too start to care, and maybe they can teach me how to care, as I teach them physics.

and also, I want my masters. It's certain. I want it enough to say enough la, I dont want to fight with you about transferring me from kampung arau to kampung jugra. I will stay here, but I will gain more than experience, I will gain something invaluable. I will give myself a gift of stepping into the unknown waters of a research-based post-grad degree in a city 2 hours away, I will improve myself, I will learn to connect with people.

I will try.

I will be a learner.

I will be not afraid.

Rush rush rush!!

2010-08-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Its a mad rush! Again! 7 minutes and I wanna go makan lunch!

*I spent the whole night reading a Book of 1050+ pages and reached a very un-climatic and potong steam ending. I felt soooo cheated.

*I opened my loooong abondoned yahoo account to read current mails that make me chuckle in the middle of deary day.

* I have to mark ALL my lab reports in 9 days! MADNESS I TELL YOU. UTTER MADNESS!! Not to mention I have to quickly get my marks for continous assesment done. SO MUCH MARKING!!! I hate marking. PFT.

* I also have to prepare my prezi presentation for my lecture next week. Why am I so uninspired when it comes to physics nao. I am chalking it up to too much PHYSICS. OVERDOSE!!

* I think in CAPS and in !!!! now. It's like so !!!

* I'm loosing my mind.

* I am slowly evolving into a racist. God help my jaded soul. I think I am loosing it sometimes. GAH GAH GAH. Deep breaths, they are people, individuals, individuals, suitlin, not race, not a race. be ZEN. dont be HITLER.

* If I vomit everytime I hear something utterly ridiculous while working here I'll turn bulimic. Confirm case.

*Oh and I think hor, since certain people like to lie and push things around and I am so tired with dealing with ay-holes like this I'll be better to accept and stay put.

* Do my masters. Do my master. Be a master. YESSSS MASTER?

Ok lunch time nao.

Drop me a note la i veli lonely. =(

so many words so little space

2010-07-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

honestly i feel that i am so severely under achieving. my resume would be empty and my past pursuits painfully frivolous. what happened to me the past few years? I want that part of me back.

but it's not going to come back. no one announces living with bipolar as an achievement, no one counts back the missing painful years. no one can. you are 25, you are still behind.

I love the way you lie

2010-07-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

You accused me wrongly. You forgotten my scars and the burden I shoulder don't you? You don't get why I can't go to God but I am exasperated and dry mouthed trying to reach him to reach you or in fact to justify how this situation is just so fucked up.

But here's the ultimatum. I might get stronger, this is only because I promise I will fight until I die of exhaustion, or until someone walks up and kills me. But I cannot be with God with this pain inside, God has become my crutch, my vicodin, my excuse, my fear, everything he is to you, he was to me.

Yet he made me this way, I am still nursing his scars, I am still afraid, I still hate rejection, I still feel alone, I still hear those voices, but I choose to take a hold of myself and make them not matter, it's okay if I can never ever be that bitch sitting beside you in the pews but I have given myself honesty and I granted you the same, but you, hah, being christian and all decided to be very 'god'like with it and throw it back to my face, like I never mattered to you.

If you're trying to be like Him, bravo, you are.

When you had such a big, all encompassing presence fill your heart, when you once raise your hands and voice in praise and adoration, when you once loved him. and when he was once inside of you. And you leave because it is the only way for you to exist or to even breath without pain, the hole left behind is so indefinitely huge that you are left clutching your chest and gasping for air, pleading for the pain to go away. With every empty breath, you plead to forget, forget God, forget love, forget the scars.

You'll never accept me. Just like God never did. All both of you ever wanted to do was to use your love for me as leverage to make me change into what you want. You remove your love for me when I cannot be who you want me to. And you do this in the way that is the most painful to me, because I am capable of caring. and I cared for you.

It's okay. It hurts so damn much but it's okay.

Just get the fuck out of my life.

25: Searching

2010-06-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am utterly lost and purposeless here in this place. where the emptiness is so great that I inhale way too much air to try to fill in the gaping endless hole inside me. It is never enough. I am never enough. I am so tired. There is no rest for me. There is just endless daily task to complete, endless mundane work and frustration of not being able to interact or achieve. Because I am not supposed to. Everyday I sit on the edge of sanity and wonder how deep the fall will be this time. I toy with the idea because it is the only thing that makes me feel vaguely alive in this fucking place. I am so tired. I need human contact, I need someone to hold my hand, someone to look me in the eye and say I will be fine. Someone who will be with me when I have nothing else to say because I am only an empty person. So very empty inside that it's painful. Don't you see? Everyday I struggle to be just like you.

28: Mistaken dates

2010-06-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

Try to lie but it ain't me

Ain't me try to look but I can't see

Can't stop right now cause I'm too far

And I can't keep goin' cause it's too hard

in the day in the night it's the same thing

on the field on the block it's the same game.

on the real if you stop then it's no pain

but if you can't feel pain then it's no gain

rearrange and you change and it's all bad

and you try to maintain but you fall back

and you crawl and you slip and you slide down

wanna make it to the top better start now

so I hold my soul and I die hard

all alone in the night in the graveyard

someday one day I'm gonna be free

and they won't try to kill me for being me.

Someday-Flipsyde

I fight. Everyday I fight my worse enemy. And I fight to win.Because only I can give me what I need. Only I know how to fight the battle.

29: foreign

2010-06-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

How does the city girl justify her life style here? How does she cook twice daily and exercises beside the couch and drags herself awake from a cold, lonely bed every morning to cover herself neck to ankle in loose fitting clothing and drive 2 minutes to work. Hoping for something different that the same sourish tang of cheap nescafe 2-in-1 in her mouth. Wishing for something more when she sits at her desk and goes through routine, loosing her mind.

How does she settle with people here who make her feel so utterly misunderstood and under-valued, where there is no escape for her during weekends. How does the city girl justify that what she needs the most now is to jump on a spin bike and ride to loud crashing music. How does a city girl breath in all the mediocrity and not feel faint? How does a city girl survive in a place where there are no people with high motivation and drive.

Perhaps thats the hard part. A real test.

God it's tiring to be here in the foreign state. Tiring to make it work.

but I am stronger than this.

It's hard but not impossible.

***

I had a dream that I got laid by this hot lean and lanky dude with curls and a crooked grin, his long muscular legs and hands wrapping around me. Engulfing me. Pleasuring me.

I need to get laid already.

31: Plagarism

2010-06-21T19:24:00.001-07:00

so they copy each other's lab reports yet they don't know what their copying. very smart indeed.

**

I have to learn to be thankful, I have to learn to play the cards I am dealt with I will not admit defeat, I will not back down, I will not degenerate, degrade, be worse, there is no alternative path, there is only better and better and better. because I deserve my best. I deserve to justify why I am alive this day.

**

I hate doing household chores. I need a maid.

**

I need to start working out properly.

I am getting fat and losing my muscle tone. I am serious. I want to give up sometimes, but I know this is all I got and this is what I deserve. I deserve a beautiful body although I have no one to show it off to in this stupid place.

**

I despise the chatter from around in all it's mundane sounds and relentless voices.

**

I long for the city.

I cannot sleep

2010-06-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

because I'm thinking of home and home is all I can think of at the moment.

And I think I'm very frustrated. Just that the frustration has not truly surfaced yet.

because my clients, sigh my clients, have little aptitude in creative problem solving, or any form of problem solving, their minds struggle to recognize patterns, to organize algorithms, to simplify information, to adapt, to suggest. They are timid. and slow in progressing.

And I am getting more and more tensed by every passing day.

Can I say they are not suited for learning? Physics especially.

***

So many variables that I have no control on. but myself.

***

If you remember
how it was to be who you were
If you remember
what it felt like when life was pure
Then remember,
remember the jest and joy you had
unhinged, untied to the world's demand

Then perhaps you'd remember

that dream you had

that came cascading as naturally as the winter's snow.

that dream to learn, to love and to reach

and if you only remember one

let your dream be to not exist but to live.

The Interview

2010-06-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

I was second last on the list. Everyone was reading some damn NKRA, PIPP, KPI notes. I just barely glanced mine last night. Ok la, I did give it a once thro, but seriously? Who really understands the real meaning and purpose of these policy, lengthy in words and ambiguous in execution, not to mention expensive.

As you can see reading does not help set me in the frame of mind to attend a government servant confirmation interview.

One by one the candidates came out with their faces ashen and pale. This woman came out with tears and said she told the datuk everything she knew about ~~those blasted~~ govt policies and he still wasn't happy with her.

shit.

Googled some stuff from the MOE website on my beautiful phone and read a little more. Nothing went in my dense head. Decided to forget it and msn-ed Jon (again on my fantastic iPhone) did the self prep-talk with him, oh yea I am awesome and I can do this! huhuhu.

When in, sat down and decided what the hell, just say whatever that comes to mind.

- Introduce yourself (easily done)

- Why is physics important.
(I used the problem solving approach, if a student forgets all his physics, he will never lose the thinking skills required to arrive to the solution of said physics problem in the first place. The theory fades, the ability to analyze solve problems remains.)

- Why is the ability to solve problems important? (duh)
To produce competitive yet individually unique work force for our country. We don't want text book memorizing drones!

- How do you instill this problem solving ability in your students. (simple)
I make them think. I refuse to give them straight forward answers. I prompt them with questions and show them that they already have the answers within their head if only they learn how to use it and arrange it in a logical manner. I also believe that communicating your solution is important, I instill this by building on the pre-existing idea of a student's half solution, I steer them and nudge them by giving feedback or re-phrasing their ideas in a more clearer sentence. I make my students believe that they can achieve. I exhibit confidence and excitement towards their ideas to appreciate their contribution. And I never, ever lower my standards.

He paused and looked through my certs, commented on my results and said this. Do you know we hand picked you among many others to teach in a Matriculation College? (haha no.) Amongst all the candidates I have met here, you are the best and have the potential to go a long way. (haha wow). You should consider studying more (yes thats the perlis plan) and helping us train our teachers. (haha thats the plan too, well kinda). I seldom meet young and intelligent people like you. (duh look at the brain drain) I am honored (oh wow) to have met you. I seldom shake hands with my candidates, but (As he extended his hands) it's a pleasure to have chatted with you.

Oh wow. like wth. I left shelled shocked. Someone from up there actually accepts my ideas and not ask me a single policy hinged question! well well well. Whaddaya know? There is hope right? I sure hope so. =)

p/s : I am trying to remind myself its only 3 weeks. There is no miracle in 3 weeks. although their paper is in 5 weeks. (WHAT STUPID SYSTEM IS THIS anyway). It's hard work. lots of extra time and hoping it will bear fruit. *crosses fingers*

parting words

2010-05-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

I think I have lost touch. I have read countless post of people going on and on about reflecting on the mundane. Not that it isn't worth reflecting upon. Yet it just feels wrong.

Right now I want to remember myself. That at this point of struggling to make things work. I will prove myself without loosing myself.

37 clients and 10 months. How can I make them outstanding?

I am only 25 this year. I want to be hot and desirable, I want to be healthy and strong, I want to be productive and inspiring, I want to be happy and proud of who I am. And I will work on it.

I have not forgotten the fact that I want to have my nude pictures taken when I reach my 25th birthday.

I want to play an active role in the lives of my family and friends. I want to believe in them as I learn to trust my judgement.

See than girl by the street? the girl I always wanted to be. I now know I am different.

What if I say I'm not like the others
What if I say I'll never surrender.
The Pretenders - Foo Fighters.

this is me

2010-05-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Dec '09 by Kaun

1. I love my strength, my body, as amorphous as it is, it is a symbol of my strength. How far I have come.

2. I am not ashamed to admit my lack of religion as a way of life.

3. I am at ease with who I am now. For the first time in my life, I no longer look at a person and wish I could be like her.

4. I appreciate the pain I've went through, it taught me great lessons.

5. I accept the scars in my heart and the stretch marks all over my body. They are significant land marks.

6. I try my best to respect people. But there is always a limit. And I no longer feel guilty for having one. No more WWJD, why don't you go ask him la?

7. I have never been healthier than I am today. I still have issues to work on, but I am able to and I have come a long hard way.

8. I do not need rubbish in my life. People included.

9. I can do whatever I set my mind to.

10. I am awesome.

I wouldn't change a thing about it.

sweat

2010-04-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

I edged the pain away as I looked at you. Sweat dripping from your angular jaw. your boyish grin, your strong body, it turns me on.

I never got used to how beautiful you can be, the way you move, fluid and powerful, confident, radiating. You radiate an essence which is so very attractive that the rest does not matter, all that matters is that I get to touch you, to inhale the raw scent of your sweat and lean my face against yours. And to have you move in me. Oh you have no idea.

When our sweat blends and our breath heaves. this is the closest to sex I'll be getting from you. Yet it's so exciting, so exciting to see you. Your beauty.

It's so beautiful it makes me want to cry.

Perfect

2010-04-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

Waking up I see that everything is OK
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

[Chorus]

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

You're the pretender.

2010-04-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?

I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity, but
The wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one.
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?

[The Pretenders - Foo Fighters.]

I'm not meant to be a Christian, is it that hard for that to fit into your ~~world~~ church view of things?

I'm stubborn and I love to be stubborn. I have my pride and it is an asset, my strongest one to boot. I will never surrender. Not to anyone, never to God again. I kicked him out because he was dominating my life, stealing my identity and making me suffer for no reason. oh wait, for his glory, right.

Get this, I am strong, I am seasoned to be strong and I will only be stronger. I will survive or die fighting, It will be all MY effort, not God's. I am strong in will and character, this is who I am and who I want to be and who I have to be to survive. There is simply no room for a God whose intentions for me is not known.

Only one person can be the master of my life. Me.

And the person that has not let me down is still myself. No longer pretending it's God.

so who are you?

Hello KL!

2010-04-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am home. Home home home.

I LOVE KL!!!!!

KL embraces me with loud music and the hustle and bustle of the morning city.

I will truly fully enjoy my time here! No time to waste!!!! Savor every moment!

This is where I belong. This is who I am. This is and always will be home.

Agenda today:
Gym
HairCut
buy new HRM
Back home to rest
Gym AGAIN!

wheeeeeeee. =)

piece-meal

2010-04-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

After so many years of being dismissed, it is easy to believe the world would be better off without me in Spencer says it's because of my condition, chemicals in my body and brain blown out of proportion, but I know better. I have never fit in this town, this marriage, this skin. I am the child who was picked last to play tag; I am the girl who laughed although she did not get the joke; I am the piece-meal part of you that you pretend does not exist, except it is all I am, all of the time.

[Lia, Second Glance, Jodi Picoult]

I have to write something. It's the much dreaded month of April. And when the day comes I think of you. How you once owned my life so entirely, through and through I believed I breathed for you, live for you, I believed I existed to please you, to have you inside of me, with me, to have you was the greatest joy of my life.

But I didn't understand then what I understood now.

That when you hope hard enough, when you imagine hard enough, just like the way I waited and wanted you, the affection can become real. Until the next day where your sober mind shifts and you move around the fog and clutter looking for that real thing, I was looking for you and your love. Searching frantically for your hand or your scent, needing to know you're there but meeting nothing but a gaping void, expanding like the universe, trapping me inside it's fold of nothingness.

Until the next song, or the next verse, or the next prayer where I manage to delude myself that you are here again, but when it is virtual, a willing yet unnatural act like holding your breath, reality seeps in as surely as air in to my nostrils until I can no longer control myself and takes that sharp inhale that will shock my brain into reality. Believing in you, communing with you was like holding my breath. Each time I inhale you weren't really there.

I tried to hold my breath, for as long as I can, convinced that one day you will be real to me, what we had would then exist. Yet.

It never existed. I never knew.

Agape.

It's time to let go.

God, each day, I let go of you just a little more to breath freely.

choice

2010-04-08T21:44:00.001-07:00

I think of what it would be like to push off on a raft in a vast ocean, fall asleep under a full sun: sweat, burn, never wake up. Believe it or not, there's a relief to that vision that feels like a cold sheet settling. If I am going to die, I'd rather choose the where or when.

[Lia, Second Glance, Jodi Picoult] choice

2010-04-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.

Did I tell you

2010-04-07T06:30:00.000-07:00

How much I still wish I was teaching in KL, in my old schools especially. Heck I don't care which school, as long as it is near my place.

How much I wish when I am lazy to cook I could just grab a subway sandwich.

How much I wish I can find a way to get the rush I get from RPM here. It is impossible. I don't know how.

How much I wish I can torrent to my heart's content.

How much I wish I can be home forever.

real

2010-04-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

I cannot explain to someone like Spencer what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside. How there are days I wake and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I have sat beside him, digging my nails into the skin of my palm, because if I bleed, then I must be real.

[Lia, Second Glance, Jodi Picoult.]

I think

2010-04-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

that it is in here somewhere. The fatigue of the travelled soul. Of sitting behind desk in pursuit of fruitless academics. Of standing in heels, Of covering up, Of being in a skin that is not me.

And it rears it's head, ready to strike the already stricken me.

I want to go home. I want to smell the carbon monoxide of the city in my hair, to press my bare feet on concrete and feel the underground rumble of sewage, the pulse of the city in it's entity. I want to strip my shoulders bare and feel the sun on my skin the sticky film of sweat between me and my sling bag, the fearless roar of my heart as it comes back to life.

My heart that is barely beating now must come back to life.

I want to go home. I want to sit and laugh with people who are driven and motivated. Be amongst people my age who speak my language in the fluency that beckons me. I want to feel the pushing of it all against my soul.

Why is it that I always feel myself crushed and dying slowly in this god forsaken place.

Home. SEVEN more days.

help me listen

2010-03-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

to you, my innermost being, you who have kept me save and sound, you who have cradled me when I was lost and alone. yes, you and I, we are the same, the reflection in the mirror, my halo, my soul, my dysfunction.

the person that I am.

when lies and truth bleed together in a mess and I cannot know what is reality and what is coping, when and where and how I came to be who I am.

Help me understand. we are strong, strength has brought us thus far, hand in hand we can and we will fight for us, help me remember. In this world it is only me who can keep me safe, it is only ever me who knows how to the only danger comes when I stop trying. So I will not stop.

I am worth it.

***

The sun comes early these days and in the evening torrential down pour happens. I am aware, starkly, painfully, of certain things jutting out like a jagged loose end that I do not know how to reconcile in the grand scheme of things. I am aware, like how the stench of one's lie can be so sickening. Yet I owe myself honesty.

remember.

2010-03-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

There you were, standing at the parking ticket machine, My mind does not think of you, but my body, oh the flesh sparks it's recognition.

You turned and our eyes met before I could do anything. Breath held still. Without a word as recognition flashed before our eyes you reached out for me, your hand slipped over mine and my car keys.

"You." You exhaled. Be with me. was the unspoken word between us. I smiled.

"Are you sure?" I stepped passed him to slot in the parking ticket. His breath grazed my ear.

"Be with me." He said, His hands staking claim on my hips, the same spot. this is how our body remembers.

"I turned to the yellow machine and said, half trembling. "we have only 15 minutes."

Saving Graces

2010-03-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

I will be good now and stop doing point forms.

Let me try to make some sense in my addled existence now without taking the blind short cut.

In regards to the E event, I realize there is still much anger inside. And I will let it stay for awhile as I learned a hard lesson there, I also learned who are my true friends. I need to not forget this lesson.

What normal people don't understand is what it means to live with a mental condition, how each day is a choice to slip and slide or hold on to your very existence. You do not want to sacrifice your lucidity, you do not want to end up blind and numb, you push and you work. It's hard work but you see yourself getting some where and that makes all the difference.

It's the small things that drives me these days, from my student's FB status to a menial conversation with another. To understand that I am the much needed breath of fresh air makes my step lighter. I can never forget my roots, I can never be apart from who I was before and the mistakes I've made but I can make the present count for something. The best I can.

Today after an unholy 14 hours on the train and alighting at KL again, my heart was light as I drove the streets of KL and walked in the air conditioned space of KLCC. As I stop and felt the crowds push and pull against me and my green sundress and as I stared at myself, infront of chanel, I realize the person that I've become, the person that I am today is a fruition not from denial or healing but from self-acceptance and adaptability, from claiming ownership over my own life.

What am I?

I think I am where I'm supposed to be this moment. And will work hard, I owe as much too myself to give this wretched life one more shot.

Because I deserve it.

hohum

2010-03-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

things to be thankful for.

1) Last week of classes. =)
2) Ability to surf UNBLOCKED thanks to my student.

3) A good saturday conversation with another student.

4) Dr. Farish A. Noor! *swoooons* I am so attracted to intelligent well spoken academicians. SEXY SEXY SEXY!
5) Sound mind and heart.

6) Grandmother's 80th.

7) Good conversation with dad.
8) Friends. Especially the not so perfect ones.

9) WEST SIDE STORY THE MUSICAL!!!! wheeeeeee.

Things to work on.
1) SLEEP on time. GEEZ you'd think 25 years on this earth I would've mastered this by now.
2) Budget. Why is it so hard, PERSONAL FINANCES! Save save save! I have to have enough moolah to go study and meet my future hot academician husband XD.

3) Exercise.more. sigh. I am suffering without my gym. The one word to put this. SUFFERRRR.

So it's better time and money management to work on.

Hohum hohum.

Back to work. you all be good yah. =)

time to blog

2010-03-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have 10 more tutorials and 3 more lectures to do before my longest break, 2.5 weeks.

The thing that really sucks about being a lecturer is that you are allocated only 5 weeks of holiday/ school year. 1, 2, 1, 1. in that order. And it's not that you are being paid more than the school teachers.

you know sometimes it hits me afresh. That I am not a temporary resident here. I'll be here for the most of my four years, maybe even five. That I now have a job, a job that I have mixed feelings about.

It's hard to verbalize. I like teaching. I like sharing knowledge but I also feel that I have something more that I am meant to do. That in the long run a life as a teacher will stifle my potential. It's easy if I am able to tell you instead of being a teacher I'd rather be _____. But I have yet to fill in that blank.

But I guess for this phase of my life, teaching is suitable. It is very ego stroking to know and to share. It is very nice (and I like to be, just so you know) thing to be the centre of attention to 150 students. The thrill of public speaking has never left my blood.

Yet there are times where I get so fed-up. I get fed-up with a system that is like a factory, that tells us what we should or shouldn't so and how we should walk, talk, act and dress. I feel endlessly frustrated with students, as an effect of years of brain washing has degraded from thinking to memorizing and stealing from themselves the ability to be relevant.

What's the point of creating thousands and thousands of students who can spit out the same answers and have no cognitive or creative skills? Walking photostat machines? But then, there is the scheme, the answer scheme that we all submit too. Because it defines the value of our answers and learning outcome.

blah.

Lifestyle wise I get very sad. It's like 6pm is a sad time for me because I will be thinking of my beautiful gym. You have no idea how much I miss the place I rebuild my life. The atmosphere and memories where I told myself I can be better. Without all the hours spent there, I won't be where I am today both physically and mentally.

On hindsight. I see being here as an opportunity to grow and to evolve. How adaptable am I? So far I am still okay, I find ways to cope and things to be satisfied with and future plans to feed my ambitious nature. I find opportunities to be thankful and reward myself. I learn to live the way I have taught myself to.

I think my growth so far from that long ago struggle remains as a faint memory. There are times where I see verses or the sky, or old pictures of me and I wondered about God. About how we broke-up and feel apart and how raw the pain was and how surreal it is now. I wonder how I allowed myself such deep grief for the sake of something that I do not understand. How I allowed myself go that far.

But I guess that was a foray into faith, you are blind and trusting. You want things that are not meant to be yours and you dig a big big hole inside because you are told you have a big big God.

It's a lie. I can very well fill my damn hole and be beautiful, successful and healthy joyful. A stark contrast of what I was when shackled in the misconception and clashes of being a christian. When tied to the cross and told to weep and weep.

Yet for the strength in character I have now, I do value the lesson reaped from such agony. That I will never return to that and I will always remember. Me first. others, later. :)

:) To suit lin and her many good years ahead.

4 years

2010-03-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

when this is all done, I want to be able to pat myself on the back and say I am NO QUITTER!

Red

2010-02-28T03:10:00.000-08:00

She looked into darkness and saw. Again.

You're alone now. It hissed.

She shivered involuntarily.

How strong are you?

Darkness. Familiar darkness. My long lost lover. You're here again. What do I do with you? How do I pull myself away. The pain is so delicious. This is the way we will be for life isn't it? Till death do us part?

I'll learn to live with you. to thrive with you, to exist with you. We are one. We the same.

today I am lost to you as i wondered, lost, and brought back a bottle of Merlot. I want to go home. You know that. That's why you are here with me tonight.

My sadness, my friend, my lover. Thats who you are to me. As darkness close over my heart, this solitary existence. I will rise in red, I will rise in agony, I will rise different, fiery and never the same.

Never the same as them. You made me so. He should know that by now.

Fragmented

2010-02-21T08:31:00.000-08:00

After 12 hours of train ride I am here again in Arau.

This time I highlighted my hair. This time it is still the same, the immediate yearning for home. This time I went through the routine I have already set-up for myself. Sometimes we have to preserve our thoughts and save guard our hearts.

One learns to cope.

For the week away I am thankful for;
- Family

- Free usage of the gym for two days. Hence, saving me 68 bucks. Fitness First has won me over entirely.

- Healthy and beautiful body, able to perform RPM Challenge, Pump, Combat, Balance.
- The journey of growth thus far.
- Meeting with friends.

- Food in KL.

- Downloaded lots of stuff. :)

My goals for the month of march.
- Exercise 10 sessions/week.
- Eat well everyday.
- Draw up a feasible budget.

- Start saving for investment.

- Sleep by midnight.

- Prep revision for students.

- Complete all required ISO paper work.

- Read 3 books.

- Look into doing a Postgrad degree.
- Love myself and be thankful.

This is the time I prove myself. This is my time.

You know

2010-02-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

you are very net deprived when your blog actually looks unfamiliar to you.

heh.

Imma dropping a note before i whiz off to meet friends.

On the side.

SHOULD I pay 82 bucks to gym from thursday - saturday? :P

I will talk more about arau when i am back with pictures! Dang. I just need to find the damn camera cable.

It's so good to be in KL.

I have

2010-01-28T16:44:00.000-08:00

come to the conclusion that the internet here in my workplace is so horrid that you can't even load the compose blogpost page properly.

Celcom broadband is so sucky it takes 2-3 HOURS to load a 8min clip.

Not that KL's internet is superb amazing, but this?

I'm returning the USB modem to celcom tomorrow, who the fuck pays 98 bucks for this shitty connection.

***

I finally managed to get my laptop and it's an old dell instead of a new one as they promised, I suspected my boss took the new one, but it's okay. I'll live with this.

The stupid thing about having this laptop is that I am not allowed to bring it out of campus. But then again it's not like I don't have my own baby.

OH and Yesterday I already had the BSOD once, lets see whether it happens again.

***

I clock in to work at 8am and clock out at 415pm. I have an hour lunch break from Monday to tuesday and 2.5 hour break on friday. This week I only see my 'clients' for 4 hours, I will get two more client seeing hours after 8th Feb when my boss (another boss) goes on maternity absence. I have no clients to see on Thursday and Friday unless I arrange to see them individually because they are under performing.

***

Speaking of which I honestly think they don't learn much here, my clients, how I'll never tell someone to engage services from my company (see la what shitty employee is this). Knowledge gained is so miniscule compared to what I had when I was in those green blissful years of the sixth-form. Oh how I miss.

***

I miss KL. Every part of it. My heart yearns and pines for it every single day, my thoughts go back to my roots, to my origin, to my people, to my identity, here I'm just a fake. I will come back to KL once I'm done with my services here. I will return back to my homeland and inhale it's air and be in it's presence. It is where I truly belong. No one here understands this.

***

Mean while, excuse me while I continue writing my boring reports.

***

Last night, I sat in the green car and cried from pangs of homesickness and loneliness, I do not belong here, I do not like it here, I want to go home to breath.

Lies

2010-01-27T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie.

I am having a bad day.

I am not going to lie.

I don't like smiling at you all the time.

I am not going to lie.

It's hard to function, sometimes I feel so lost.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm tired of being so fucking careful about how I speak, walk, wear and listen to.

I'm not going to lie

I am so uncomfortable in this skin. and this life.

I'm not going to lie anymore.

I just want to go home and be myself.

I cannot lie

I don't have the faintest idea how to survive till 2014

Broken handles

2010-01-19T04:27:00.000-08:00

Today I walked to the car park after punching out my card while balancing my big book bag, my makan bag and my hand bag, reached green car, hoisted my bag, unlocked the car, places hand on door handle and

crack

GEEZ am I THAT strong. So now I can't open the driver door, yay. which means I have to open it from the back seat. Well I get to bend myself so i'm still flexible hohoho. (I am that lazy to walk over to the front seat, excuses)

sighs.

****

If you want something you'd find opportunities, if you don't want something you'd always find excuses.

****

Hence. I am buying weights to put in my room, I will look for a place where I can do interval runs and I will rise at 6am to exercise.

I will provide my body with good nutrition and I will look after myself, I will find ways.

****

Did I tell you how bored stiff I am here. :(

****

I am going to penang because there is FITNESS FIRST there. and I will purchase weights. I want a barbell. Visited another kangar gym and the HEAVIEST weight they have is a 5lbs dumbbell, SERIOUSLY?! FML man.

****

Can I go back to KL? I am afraid I will get fat here. :( then I will have another type of handles :(

****

A place called home.

2010-01-09T17:50:00.000-08:00

I returned to KL with news about church attacks. Connection in Arau left me with little news about the outside world.

Negaraku, Tanah tumpahnya darahku.

All about such a trivial issue, why do we judge without understanding? Why do we see cowardly acts like this means to make ourselves heard? Have we come to a point where we know not how to speak and understand what truly matters that we have to lash out in this way, harming not only the people our malice is intended for but also many other innocent members of society? Why are we hurting our country and our home in this way? What are we teaching our children? That it is okay to hit someone and destroy and threaten someone else's property and sense of security because we have to prove a point?

Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju.

I grew up believing and wanting to continue to believe that Malaysia is not beyond salvation, that as much gripes and complains I have being a product of the system that I have also benefited in a certain way. Heck I am still in the system , am I not? I know it remains debatable about the fairness and transparency of how things are done and how it could be much better and how we like to feign anger and ignorance, we like to make a brouhaha when we are wronged and think we are denied what we rightfully 'deserve'. But when it's crunch time, when we are asked to take a step back, we are stubborn to claim whatever insignificant matter at hand without seeing the bigger picture. When we are asked to sacrifice, we choose to migrate, complain and stay in out comfort zones. When we are asked to share, we keep our silence, then we shout in fear.

Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan.

What is the bigger picture? For me, it's a safe place to call home, it's a place where I know I will be valued based on my contribution to society and the person that I am and not whether my skin is yellow or brown or my eyes small or wide or whether my Friday afternoon are spend in mosques or sundays in church. It's a place where our differences are respected instead of hyped up, where we can understand that we are all just humans, struggling to grow, wanting the best for our family, believing in what our own respective heart and mind tell us to, whatever faith we subscribe to, that we are just trying to be decent human beings.

Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.

And why make that harder for someone else by instilling fear, why make it even more difficult by damaging the fabric of society we try to understand and build, before we hurl another bomb into someone else's home, perhaps, it is important to ask ourselves, are we able to answer to our children without shame and explain why we act the way we do? Are we able to tell our children to do the same thing when they grow up? Are we able to give our children the 'gift' of a society that is ridden by fear, misunderstanding and hatred? If we are right why do we want to instill fear to prove a point? Forgive.

And before we rise in rage and fear and forward every damn message and FB status, what spirit are we passing around and forwarding? Are we telling each others to feed fire with fire? Are we telling our children to see someone in a headscarf or songkok to judge them, without taking the time to know them? Are we helping the arsonist by propagating the purpose of their attack which is to destroy us, are we spreading their destruction for them? Do we tell our children that it is okay to gossip? If we are right why do we fear? Forgive.

Undeniably, we are all hurt and confused about what has happened, it is our country, our home, our identity, it is us we are hurting. But we learn, my brothers and sisters, fellow country men and women, we were all wronged in our lives, at some point of time, we have felt that we were treated unfairly, or hurt, or judged or harmed, but the greater power is to recognize the wrong and strife to right it.

There is a future, as long as we are still living and breathing, as long as we still believe that our country is worth it, that our lives and our children's future is worth it, we will say the ball is in our court now, and we can change in whatever ways we can, we can make our country, our society and ourselves move in a direction that gives us healing and unity. Please believe for the sake of your children and our homeland. A place we can all call home, even in difficult times.

Change is always a choice =) and choice is always possible.

I am Malaysian. Tanah tumpahnya darah ku.

Oh gawd

2010-01-06T02:11:00.001-08:00

I finally detected one bar connection! Lets hope it stays that way, at least until I finish.

- I kinda like my job, I like how its particularly student centered, and how I can take advantage of it to help my students (which I am yet to meet). I like to teach physics, I like the fact that I get a huge cubicle to myself and a brand new laptop (hopefully) and I hope I will know how to regulate my disappointment when I find out things are less ideal (which is bound to happen).

- Went to look at a gym in Kangar and got depressed. Rusty weights and cardio machines, stuffy room, sweaty ~~fat~~ men. Sighs. What I would give to be able to go to fitness first.

- I am still working out in my room but it doesnt make the cut. :( No exhilaration or finishing two back to back RPM classes, or the heart thumping action when I jump and smash the daylight out of my imaginary opponent during combat, or the release and muscle burn I feel when I finish a complete set of reps during pump, or even the centeredness of doing yoga and pilates. Sighs. No adrenaline pumping in my system.

- So the challenge is to learn how to make this work. Maybe I should buy some weights to put in my room. Maybe I should re-love running. I don't know. They sound so insignificant compared to what I used to do. I am very sad about this.

- I am going back to KL on Friday after work! One week break. I'm thinking I should just sleep in my fitness first gym la. Kiss the floor, hug the pillar, dont want to leave. :(

- Brother 1 got into the Science stream! =)

- What else about work ah. I spend alot of time revising physics, constructing tuts, marking papers, oh and I am yet to arrange my cubicle. And also socializing with the teachers.

ok la. Thats all I guess.

From the north.

2010-01-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

Things to be thankful about.

1. Still having my one week break in January
2. Lots of time and space to learn.

3. Very little paper work (thus far)
4. A good place to stay, fully furnished by dad! :)
5. Dad's company(till tmr /emo)

6. Getting to teach physics.

7. Kangar is near. Arau isn't extremely bad. I can still get most of the stuff I need.

8. The green car.
9. My father, the bestest man in my life :)

10. Free wifi from the CC next to my place. (albeit pretty unstable)

Christmas and the end of December

2009-12-26T23:48:00.001-08:00

Chistmas eve I received news that I've managed to yield satisfactory results with my brother for his PMR and I am relieved.

I also found out that I would be stationed in Perlis Matriculation College as a Physics Lecturer. I leave KL before the year ends. My Marathon has begun.

On Christmas I torched my way through a serial series of balance, pump and combat. Each time when I fatigued, I dug harder. Asking myself do I have what it takes. Yes I have. Eyes on the goal, eyes on the rest, it's all in your head.

My marathon in Perlis is all in my head.

My life long battle is all in my head.

Interval training is what I'll do to survive, there are many things I've changed with the weight I lost, and strength gained. a better sense of control for my urges and an ultimate release from many limitations I used to put around me. I am ready.

To go out into the wilderness and do it on my own.

***

Spoke to a friend and he spoke about writing again, ah, writing, it is almost impossible for me to craft out anything that resembles what I used to write. but maybe it's time to conquer this limitation. There are many other source of inspiration and I need not this particular one.

***

The end of December is near. For the first time I can reset my stance in a world that is not limited by blind faith or religion, by self destructive urges and wanton actions, for once I don't have to fear anything or anyone, I am fully able to take the world in stride with intelligence and will. This is what I'm suppose to be. Stronger than ever.

Perlis? Pain is weakness leaving the body. SO BRING THE PAIN!

Stranger

2009-12-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

So there you are
again you're circling all around

If you could only touch me now
Stranger from the past.

Don't hesitate

Now we're standing face to face

Heaven is the only place
Would you take my hand

Get closer now,

softly whisper in my ear
please take me away from here,

away from all my tears

It's not too late
Now we're standing face to face
Heaven is the only place
Would you understand?

Just tell me what do you want from me.

Is this love in the first degree
Tell me why everytime I feel your eyes all over me

Tell me what do you want from me
Are you mad enough to see
That it's time to cross the line
Come on now, set me free.

Cascada - What do you want from me.

The nagging feeling is what If I can't make it. But I know I am made of stronger stuff. Yes I don't like change, not when I am so passionate about something, but change is a test of your passion, no? I am grieving about the fact that I have to let go of so many things in KL. Where would I go? What will I do? Some times reality bites in and I am just learning to cope, learning to be human and to allow myself some weakness and space to grow and take a breather.

Yet all I ever wanted I guess, was someone to watch over me.

Someone to see me.

Guarded

2009-12-20T06:03:00.000-08:00

I wanted you to know, I loved the way you laugh, I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well.

Because I am broken when I'm lonesome.
I don't feel right when you're gone away.

You've gone away. You don't feel me here anymore

The worse is over now, and we can breath again, I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away.

There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight.

Because I am broken when I'm open
I don't feel like I am strong enough.

*** I remember my words coming together, ebbing and flowing in it's natural cause, an expression, a dance of letters, a fragment of my disjointed memory. Coming and going. You who have been my friend for all these years. Your silence cuts. Your ignorance was painful.

Now it's too late. You could have saved me. You could have kept me.

It's all too late now. I am what I am.

I am liberated. Because I have forgotten all that you were to me. Your chains no longer bind me.

***He lifted me and held onto me, his breath wet on my neck. I'm gonna miss you when you go. I laughed, I don't know where I'm heading. Well, you will be stuck in my head for some time. His kissed the very core of my being. Our hips started to dance.

One

2009-12-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

Why did I walk away? Why did I so flippantly say I don't want to be a follower of Christ anymore? It was not as simple as turning my heels and heading the other direction. It's about letting go of the rope I've been clinging onto for dear life and allow myself to climb down on my bare hands. This is what it feels like, the long climb down is scary, it's painful, i could fall anytime and I don't know how far the drop is. So why? Isn't this tiring? You bet it is.

But why then? I guess if I were totally honest with myself it boils down to this. I have a problem with a lot of people, lets call these type of people the princesses, the loved, the adored, and it's like black hatred, poison sinking deep inside my soul, a darkness I cannot explain all the time. It's like all the wrong doings I have to partake in my young life has distilled and condensed into this potent potion of dark, pungent sorrow.

.? Yes I understand forgiveness, how it sets me free and stop the hold of the person in my life. But this is easier when I have people to forgive, I don't hate a specific person or group, I hate them all. What is there to forgive? Logically these people have done nothing wrong to me, but I guess there is nothing logical about this situation.

So I cannot forgive and this burdens me when I come into the presence of God. This makes me feel worthless not in a thankful way like all christians should, but worthless in a self degrading way, making the princesses appear more cherished and blessed in my myopic vision and me more angry, the darkness seeps deeper. Wash and rinse and repeat cycle.

My soul cannot take so much bitterness, there is a give back, a clause that not many knows or sees, there is a price I have to pay for this bitterness, in many ways I am struggling to function. I walked around like a zombie. And I have transpose these problems to the people I actually care about. And this ability to unknowingly sabotage my relationship scares me.

The answer to this is to break the cycle. I can't change myself, God doesn't want to change me, I've asked, beg and pleaded. I can't forget what the past was, which leaves the only way to stop the darkness from sinking in, Take away the guilt, allow myself to hate, so that I will not hate more. Take away God.

It's not an over night decision, like I took 2 years of studying the bible to commit to a relationship with God, I took more than a year, talking to different people, reading different literature, praying and talking to God, hoping for a note of change in our relationship before I had to let my heart go cold and break entirely, before I understood that the relationship has been dead for a long time. But that period is over and now, I have come to a point where I understand nothing more can be one or said by any mere human into my condition, because at the end of the day, it's a burden I have to carry for life, at least I don't have to do it feeling guilty and watching princesses float around.

I'm fine with carrying my scars, I accepted it. but don't expect me to rejoice and be glad in it.

and it continues.

2009-12-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

Day 7
Combat + Pump + Balance (doing pump two days in a row can be murder)

Day8
RPM + Combat. (love love love the sweating)

Day9
Pump (yes shoot me) + Balance

Day 10
RPM + RPM Challenge

Day 11
Pump + Balance + Combat.

Day 12
Rest (I have completely busted my arse)

Day 13

RPM + Pump

Day 14
Combat + Pump + Balance.

***

Destructive is what I am, I like to cut alot of things, including people, how nicely I can cut them away. I cut away alot of situations also, places, memories, relationships.

I think it's my way of saying, I'm leaving you before you leave me. even if it causes me grief. But it is the lesser evil and i will provoke a conflict so that it is easier to leave when the time comes, No it is a reaction i cannot know how to control.

Counting down the days.

***

Her tits were the first thing I saw, perky, a good C cup, pink erect nipples, man even the hetero sexual in me is attracted to them. How the hell did she get those on her toned frame?

Madness.

2009-12-13T22:09:00.001-08:00

"I have loved to the point of madness;
That which is called madness,
That which to me,
Is the only sensible way to love."
F. Sagan

2009-12-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

from postsecret

The world is a dangerous place and we must learn to defend ourselves from those who want to hurt us.

That stranger without a name,

an employer who holds a grudge.

the husband who won't let go.

Yes we all try to defend ourselves so we don't get hurt.

Until we realize our pain can hurt someone else.

-Desperate Housewives S06E09

***

If I have a choice, I will not choose to live.

I will choose death in all it's finality.

Yet life has kept me hostage

and today I look out the window of my cage

and wonder.

When will I be able to dance again.

Somedays I wish I could just put a gun to my head and kill myself.

fourfivesix

2009-12-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

White Blindness III by *MissPen

we are counting and counting.

Day Four
Body Balance.

Day Five
30min Body resistant work.

Day Six
RPM Challenge

Day Seven
Combat + Pump + Balance

I've been eating too much. Thats all you should want to know about my diet.

***

Where were you when I fell? Is it right to blame you? Just because you have your reasons? I don't even know anymore. I am afraid, I am suspended, I am unsure, I have nothing to anchor on and I don't know whose fault this is. I don't know how I can make myself right again.

But I feel so empty inside. Don't you understand? All I ever wanted was you. Yet you had to leave me here. I was left to heal alone.

Or maybe I never healed at all.

But this pain it stays. Resounding it's presence in the deep crevices of my heart. Flowing out and evaporating through my pores. What am I going to do?

***

I only ever wanted you to love me.

All I ever wanted was to be loved

All I ever wanted is not to be left behind

***

It's plain stupid to be here waiting for ~~you~~ nothing.

Day 3

2009-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

Reflection on Day 2

Slept at 2am (very fail)

Exercise:
Combat + RPM + long stretching (will do pump today with cindy!)

Nutrition:
as follows, fish substituted with onion omelet. Extra banana peanut butter (x3)

Still yet to clean the wardrobe.

Day 3

Body Goals

1) Sleep by 1am. (lets be realistic here)
2) Exercise: Pump + Back to back RPM

3) Meal 1: Usual Oat combo.
Meal 2: Skim milk + PH + 20cc protein powder.
Meal 3: Peanut butter on bread (pre pump)
Meal 4: Roasted skinless chic breast. Stir fried baby romaine,carrots,red pepper. 2 slices of bread.
Meal 5: Coffee + slice of bread.
Meal 6: Roasted skinless chic breast. Baby romaine, cherry tomatoes.

end

2009-12-08T01:13:00.000-08:00

He said;

You have to trust someone, anyone, I don't care, just tell someone what's going on inside. If not this thing, this horror will rewind again and again inside of you and you will go insane.

I said;

I can't do it. I don't trust myself to regulate my expectations after telling someone. I don't even trust myself to be able to face this when I tell, when it's in words, it's different, the truth will sit there big and over powering. This will ultimately spell my end.

***

The room turned like a carousel with my stomach gliding up and down... I couldn't think of what to do, I felt a powerful sadness, not because of what I've done, as bad as that was, but because everything seemed emptied out - the feelings I had for her, the things I'd believed, all those stories about her I'd lived off of like they were food and water and air.

Because I was the girl she'd left behind. That's what it came down to.

- Sue Monk Kidd - The Secret Life of Bees.

Day 2

2009-12-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

Reflection of day 1

Exercise:
RPM completed.
No time to do 3 rounds, one round only @15:11

Nutrition
Emotional Binging again. Pattern has to stop. 8 hours of sleep is needed.

Mind:
Mod depression. Unable to sleep.

Body Goals

1) Exercise: Pump + Combat + RPM (objective: Train till absolute fatigue)

2) Nutrition:
- Meal 1: Oat+cornflakes mix + milk + fruit
- Meal 2: 1egg+3whites on a slice of bread + greens
- *Meal 3: Greens + fish + a slice of bread.
- Meal 4: Banana and peanut butter on a slice of bread
- Meal 5: Sugarless Soymilk + fruit
- *Meal 6: Protein + Skim Milk

3) Sleep by 12am

4) Clean out wardrobe.

Need sleep now.

close

2009-12-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

Photo Credit

the door

listen.

Lay your troubled soul to rest.
It's all right.

I am here.
Your shadow.
your scars do not scare me.

Calm yourself.

I will never leave you.

Day 1

2009-12-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

Body

3 rounds of; for time
- 15 plank and rows. (6lbs)
- 20 Laying Scissors and toe-touches
- 5 Santana Zuzana Push-Ups
- 10 One Leg dead-lift.
- Plank-Pushup-half burpee (x3)-lateral travel plank.(3 steps) Repeat again to return to start.

RPM
Sleep by 12am
Diet plan foiled by ill planning. This needs more work. Started on psyllium-husks with skim milk and protein powder. Good cleanser, still yet to feel full. - suspected emotional eating.

***

Picture of the day. From Post Secret.

***

Soul

I laid my head on his shouler and wondered how he could stand me. In one short morning I had exhibited insane laughter, hidden lust, pissy behaviour, self-pity and hysterical crying. If I'd been trying to show him my worst sides.

Sue Mon Kidd - The Secret Life of Bees.

Tethering

2009-11-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm walking on tight rope,

Each step a calculated decision

Inhale, exhale,

Each inch of muscle in tension

Each breath a silent pledge to life.

If I fall, the drop is endless

this is my last chance to get it right

I'll try with all my heart

But I know if I fail there is no turning back.

I can't go back, yet I can't see the end of it all.

Suspended on cord in the middle of thin air

No one to catch me

No one to watch me

No one to stand underneath the droplets of blood

Dripping from the soles of my feet.

Soul, heart, feet.

Tethering.

Strong enough.

What have we done?

2009-11-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

I'm so hollow baby
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Goodbye my lover - James Blunt

Deal

2009-11-21T21:46:00.000-08:00

As my life flashes before my eyes
I'm wondering if I will ever see another sunrise
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye
But it's to late to think of the value of my life
And you can see my heart.. beating
You can see it through my chest
I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger.....

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes, sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he's here, means he's never lost

Years ago, I made a deal with someone, I told him, make me invincible, He said then you must not be able to accept love, you give that to me, I smiled and said, have it, I don't need this love, I do not need to be able to partake in these wretched relationship, I need to survive, not to love. It's a deal. A deal that scares me, a deal with a price.

The void is vast and expanding. I am sinking, I know I am. I can't run anymore, I can't give excuses, I can't numb or sweat this pain away. It is here, announcing it's arrival, staking it's rightful place in my life. I have to deal with this.

Everytime this season draws near I am filled with such intense pain, no one can make it better, it is not meant to be made better. But I see, I see the hundreds and thousands of smiles and happy lives. What does it mean to be me?

This pain yawns open, now I do not question. I stopped asking God why or how, or even asking him to stay. I stopped asking for help from people who do not know how to care in the right way, I know I am alone. I know. I know. It's a pact between me and the devil.

For this life, I have given him a part me that yawns open in pain, I am so empty inside that it's sickening. Yet I cannot possibly be myself again, or face those painful memories, I know that's the box that I have shut and never to be opened for my own sanity.

So you, your emails and comments, understand, don't give me your words if you do not want your hands to be dirty or your world shaken, if you do not want to go through the valley with me, if you do not want to bleed with me, if you do not want to see me for who I am, If you cannot, if you dare not, if you don't know how to try when I need you to, then do not use your words to remind me how I am alone, it's something I already know. Don't give me your empty words, don't say things you don't mean to follow up on, don't give me the empty packaging of a friendship that I cannot get anything from, but I don't blame your ignorance, you have been loved all this while, you don't know what it is like to be me, please. Do not make this pain worse if you can't sit here with me until it gets better.

You don't know what it's like to have my life. or see the world through my own head.

As my life flashes before my eyes
I'm wondering if I will ever see another sunrise
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye
But it's to late to think of the value of my life

Russian Roulette - Rihanna.

You made me.

2009-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like you stole my life, I'm not the person I'm supposed to be. It's like I'm hollow. I hide in plain sight. Unable to reach out to people close to me, afraid, I'll hurt them, I've hurt so many others. This is what you made me become.

- Dexter Morgan.

Fix

2009-11-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Twisted

I stand here again
I have taken yet another guilt trip
My feet tasted the sharp rocks and it's jagged surface.
Twisted.

If I can place my hands in my chest
And show You my soul
It would be distorted, shamed, ugly, used.
Twisted.

I know you know my thoughts better that I do
Yet the things I tell myself and You scares me
For they are like whispers from hell,
Twisted.

I can't remember what it was like to have You
when what we had was pure, because of You.
It was so long ago since then, and now all is
Twisted.

So much You have given me
Yet I have turned away.
The essence that You placed in me is already
Twisted.

Yet You are still here,
I can touch Your robe
But how it hurts me that my sights of You,
are also twisted.

The pain. without You.
has grown, spreading it's tentacles
Forcing it's deadly spell into me,
Twisting me.

Hold me! Right now.
I am all alone.
Please, before I am twisted
forever.

June 26 2007

Really, what is left of us? My words fail me, I can't write half as I was able to. Maybe it's because I don't feel anymore, I don't cry those tears and I don't long for love anymore.

I think I am beginning to harden, to be immune to love and all it's expectancy. See if I love you, If you love me, you would not have left.

Yet you did. again and again and again.

I can't wait for you, just like you can't fix me.

How

2009-11-12T09:18:00.001-08:00

do I believe that someone will ever love me? No one does. No one stays. No one can. but the girl in the mirror and she is I.

darkness is coming.

I
fear.

Lightless.

2009-11-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

The curse of his powers tormented his life
Obeying the crown was a sinister price
His soul was tortured by love and by pain
He surely would flee, but the oath made him stay

He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life
He prayed for both but was denied

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind
So many years have passed, who are the noble and the wise?
Will all our sins be justified?
Hand of Sorrow - Within Temptations.

The is a dark place that I belong to. Many times I try to bring a torch, to light it up, to burn the whole place down, but like a dream I awake again and again to this dark place, year ofter year, I have grown to expect it, I have learned to cope, but the place is still dark and I still do not like it here.

This is not something I can control, not something I can will away, and not something I know how to rely on someone about.

These days just drag on, as I move around invisible and functioning, vacant inside with blood flushing the corridors, I want release, but I know not to expect it, but there are so many things that can temporary still this gnawing pain inside, the cold side of a pocket knife, the feeling of being empty inside, the raw sweat and panting, then fitful sleep, anything really that can make me forget being in the dark place.

Who will save me? God's grace? His strength? My heart grows cold when thinking of this, how many times do I have to revisit this dark place trying to accept that He allows it. I cannot, I cannot kiss the hand that slaps me again and again.

Bring me to life, let me be free from this suffering one day, I will pass on, perfect, fair, I will get there one day. Then I know, it's time to shut the door to this dark place forever, it will be the time to end my extended stay on this place of sorrow.

Depression. Stage Four in the Kübler-Ross Model.

Please forgive me for the sorrow
For leaving you in fear
For the dreams we had to silence
That's all they'll ever be
Still I'll be the hand that serves you
Though you'll not see that it is me.

Relapse

2009-11-08T00:40:00.000-08:00

I get upset when I see people talk about love, how they've loved and is loved and all that. Somehow it trips the wrong switch inside of me. I see people surrounded by people caring for them and I have to admit it's hard to accept at times that I cannot partake in this love because I am very hard to love. One can say that he loves me but I understands or know nothing of that love and to pretend I received it would be a lie, but to hurt a person who loves me by my claims of nobody loving me is cruel.

I don't know which I should be.

He once said, you claim no one loves you, but it's actually you not being able to find someone who can love you the way you want. Receiving love is passive. It might be but I just cannot allow myself to believe that I deserve such a free gift, even if I do, the person will eventually make me despondent and that I cannot have considering my bipolar. I'm trying to survive by keeping everyone at arms length, but when I see people in love and getting what I can never get because of the bipolar I get upset too.

But I have to remember this is the best. It's not like I haven't tried the alternative, but when I open myself to love, the depressive episodes was insane, i cry and laugh and scream myself every night.

Today I looked myself in the mirror and ask do I want to go back to being that pathetic being? That fat and needy me. Hell no. Never. So everytime I see parents and their darling offsprings, or couples, or good friends, or even when I am able to be a good friend to someone and then the thought pops up in my mind, about who is going to love me and care for me and before I get sad I must remember this.

No one can love me in a way that it is not painful for both me and that person, no one but I and I am now fully capable to love myself. So let the phantom pain remind me when I see love exhanged, as I bit my lower lip and take the waves of crushing sadness that I am meant to be like this. Only I can love myself. So it will be fine. We will be fine.

Grief

2009-11-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Feel it coming in the air
Hear the scream from everywhere
I'm addicted to the thrill
It's a dangerous a love affair
Can't be scared when it goes down
Got a problem tell me now.

Life's a game but it's not fair
I break the rules so I don't care
So I keep doing my own thing
Walking tall against the rain
Victory's within the mile
Almost there don't give up now.
Run This Town - JayZ feat Rihanna & Kanye West

The past.

I was beaten down, spat upon, brutalized, tossed aside as unloved. Unwanted. I grew up this way, rugged on the edges. strong inside.

But nothing can tear us down, you and me, both of us, we will fight this thing, We are now strong, fit, beautiful and so invincible. Feel the power, harness it, be stronger.

We can do this. See this love, it's not important, you do not need love, we do not need a family, we do not need a companion or a best friend, we do not need God.

We will walk tall against adversary, the rain, the pain, we will fight sword for sword to be stronger. This set back prepares me to be able to understand.

I am supposed to live this life alone. Don't feel bad, it makes me so strong. This is the price I pay.

Victory's within the mile, almost there don't give up now, SuitLin, we will run this town tonight.

Remember the pain, remember every bit of this anger, distill this to be your elixir, it will give you what you need. Even if you die trying, you do not die a coward. I will never give up on myself.

Watch me be stronger.

good

2009-10-29T11:33:00.001-07:00

bones and skin
jutting
love me
only you can.

remember.

you are good alone.

promise me to never slip.

end.

help me understand. help me make this work.

Grief (iii)

2009-10-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Bargaining.

I'm waiting for you
But you do not know it, I wait in silence at the corner
Looking at you
reaching for you
oh if only you would love me
I would do anything.

I think I revisit this stage alot, sometimes i wait for you to come to me. But i am still having that soft spot for you.

But I can't keep bargaining for my own sake.

Disini ku menanti
Aku menanti

Dalam tidur
Ku terjaga dan terasa sunyi
Kedinginan
Semata-mata
Menyelubungi

Masih jua.
Disini ku menanti

- Masih Jua by Douglas Lim, OST Ghost.

Stage 3. Bargaining.

Forgive me

2009-10-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

I forgot what its like to be used to my own skin today. I log into the internet and see baby pictures, pregnant pictures, wedding pictures, engagement pictures, couple pictures along with all the fluff and I am deflated, just for a moment I wonder what it is like to be wanted in that way.

She sat by me and said it was not to be. I knew, we knew, and have accepted our unique position.

But as we are unique, there is no reason why we cannot learn to live as we should.

I will prove myself worthy of my life.

On the side

2009-10-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

I'll let you in on a secret.

There is beauty in yoga. It's one of my must do things because it teaches me to appreciate the things my body can do and potentially will be able to do if I work hard enough.

I close my eyes and just let go and allow myself to sink into the poses, each bringing me such deep realization of who I am and how far I've come.

On the side, yes I am still healing from my emotional scars when it comes to bring hurt by the church and my faith, sometimes I get mad and I need to write about it, sometimes words don't come and I get frustrated, like a window yawning open in my heart, the shutters banging but I have no narrative for my emotions. Whenever I see someone having the faith that I have chosen to let go to pursue a better me, I can't help but ask what if? What if?

But I know there is no what if, as I draw a deep breath and balance my body in the dancer's pose, when I let go in a revolving swan, I know I am in sync and I am healthier than I have ever been in my life. I no longer binge and purge, I no longer cut, I no longer cry because the days were too tough and people forget about me, I no longer feel the sting when a friend is too busy, I no longer look at people who used to promise me the world but deliver nothing, I no longer look at adults and want their life, because I began to see that this life I am having now, will be uniquely mine.

I'm not saying that I will never return to those habits, history has proven otherwise, even 'God' couldn't (or wouldn't haha) help. But I know if I do, I can get myself back on track, I could detox on religion, I can detox on these bad habits too, I know the pits and my weaknesses, I build my strength to counter it. I know what too look out for, and more importantly, I have the peace of mind to focus on myself.

I believe it's going to get better.

Grief (iii) continues later.

Grief (ii)

2009-10-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

Royal Games - Suzi9mm (source)

II. Anger

The game has come to an end.
You are no longer the servant,
a victim

blood has made you the master

anyone who dares to touch you again
will be destroyed, not immediately
but slowly,
in red array
the game of bloody chess.

There is fire burning behind your eyes as you breath in rapid gasps, adrenalin flooding your blood stream, your heart pumping, waiting and wanting to attack.

The specimen that was before you, her and her pathetic pleading eyes, her whiny soft spoken voice, her small composure, every fucking thing about her that made her better, more loved and more protected than you.

You want to strangle her dainty little neck, snap it into two like a twig, poison her to death, make her scream in horror and in pain, make her feel hopeless, and fearful, make her die, slowly.

Make her understand what it means to treat you like this.

***

12am, the parking lot, she was in the car, you were sweaty, beyond exhausted, her high and mighty whiny attitude just made you snap, her denial to do even the most simple things and her fucking pleading look, make your blood simmer, you wanted to reach into the car and shake her, you wanted to slap her, scratch her, it was then the shit hit the fan, denial became full blown anger.

You inhaled, exhaled, and walked away. Chewing your inner cheek, trembling.

***

People like her make you feel worthless because they demand what they want and they get it, they fucking get pity because they are weaker, it is as if when anyone were to choose who to side on they would choose her, because who will side you? Since you are stronger one.

This is coming to an end.

***

I no longer feel guilty for being angry, I let this anger stay, to remind me of how they treated me, when in their committee meetings they gleefully said that my sweat and blood for them was a failure, unsuccessful, that what I do, all the sleepless nights, all our effort was nothing but an unsuccessful line in their minutes. It was hurt, then it matured into full blown hatred and anger.

You'd think it's funny how for four years in a row, they still needed me, needed my input to set things right. They sit on their high and mighty chairs and judge, judge without understanding. This is why they never learn to get things done right, they are too fucking preoccupied with judging.

***

Anger, its my asset now, I use it as a shield, a reminder to not let people touch me, I will no longer help anyone, because I will not allow myself to be put down again.

Where is God in all this?

How about asking why He made this disparity between me and them and why did he allow me to be able to see that I was being treated as nothing more but a door mat.

Fire still burns behind my eyes, I could not believe how I was mistreated and still swallowed everything, still finished what was required of me, must be the grace of God eh?

Must be the stupid grace of God. Thank goodness I left Him.

Anger. The second stage of grief in the Kübler-Ross model.

Grief

2009-10-17T06:55:00.001-07:00

Hide - Black Mamba (source)

I. Denial

It's a dream,
you are hidden
under the suffocating blanket
of wanting to believe.
of wanting to make it disappear
so you hide under the blanket
waiting for the storm to die
but you do not know.
It never ever ends.
You'll choke yourself to death.

So you sit in pews and listen to what you're suppose to believe and how you're supposed to think and act. And you watch, as you serve, as you catch those slain by the spirit, and you pray, you stand, you testify, you believe, as you push aside the thoughts in your head, that there is something seriously wrong with the situation. And when you are alone you think and you punish yourself for your thoughts for not having faith, for being a fake, a hypocrite, praying with doubt in your brain, so you ask for faith and forgiveness like you know how to from the book of Hebrews and you pray hard for something to be done, you carry your cross, with all you have you trudge on the road alone.

Denial. No there is nothing wrong, this will go away, I love God, I love him, He loves me and that love compels me to fix my life with him, it's a life long commitment. His love for me drives me to be better, be whole, this is right, being with Him and taking these hits, these abuse because He knows best, He wants the best for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me, it's the devil that is whispering doubts in my head, the devil that is laying temptation at my feet! Yet I will learn to be strengthen by proclaiming the word, by praying, by believing, by allowing grace to come in and save me.

Denial. I have lived through this hell, this hell of going back to God again and again, begging for forgiveness, asking for another chance when it was this belief, this condition, this environment that caused grief.

Denial. But I did not want to see that at that time, I love God, I want to be a part of a family for once. And that desire to belong and to be loved unconditionally was enough to blind me from the obvious. That this cycle was bad for me and the mental condition I have.

For 3 years I lived like this, rapid cycling between doubt and faith, fear, guilt and triumph. Who is this God who is suppose to be loving but yet allow me to be struck down again and again for his sake? Who is this God who loves me? I do not understand his love. But I want to and he will help me right? right?

Deny. He still loves me, I just need to hold on, to stay under and suffocate for he will safe me.

denial. The first stage of grief in the Kübler-Ross model.

2009-10-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Just felt like putting a graduation picture here. =)

You don't forget

2009-10-08T23:55:00.001-07:00

Elies Van Renterghem (source)

you never forget.

The words, the feelings, the memories and the way time crawls in spurts and run in fast forwards and rewinds. You don't forget, you are not allowed to.

Because it is only in remembering that you keep yourself safe.

***
I know you're still a shadow inside of me, I pity you yet I despise you. You were weak, a creature that yearned for love and that became your weakness, you were so weak that people stepped all over you and then spat on you, you lose your self identity and self worth. until you became nothing but an empty shell.

Then you found it didn't you, I'd admit for a while I thought that it was it too.

But we know, as I hold your cold hand and lifeless limbs, we now know, there is no love, not in the way it was meant to be for us. And how we suffered to accept this knowledge of how our lives had to be.

Death comes in stages, it is never sudden. and death. oh sweet death was necessary for rebirth.

Today on the bike, as I bit my lip to contain the agony in my calfs and thighs. I remember you, I saw your face, As I closed my eyes and as pain flushes in, I remember. yes I remember.

I will never allow myself to be weak like you, because I have to live for us.

let the pain come to tell us, to tell me, there is no such thing as anyone loving us, they are not able to. They will never be.

But we are fine with or without them.

just because

2009-10-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ida Borg (source)

When I was a christian I was told that my sexual abuse had a grip or bondage on me. Being very young and impressionable, it made sense, i mean that made my madness have some sort of bearings.

Most of all it have the false impression that I was fixable.

So I devoted most of my life to fix me and fix my emotional scars and what nots and the endless crying and asking for something that i am not is really very stupid.

I think today I would be able to say this, yes I was a victim, but no, it is not my bondage, it was just an old wound that made me into the person that I am today. And I am no way infirmed by it and I do not need grace or whatever to set me free.

Because freedom is in my own two hands.

But I understand how most people would want to have a reason to fall back on, to feel that there is a God that would heal them and give them the hope of being whole, that there is a greater purpose in their pain, that God is there for them at the end of the day.

This I do not need.

Because to me, those are just condescending words of pity for the weak, and I cannot wear the shoes of the weak, I will not be prevented from living my best by the mentality that I am second best according to God's standards. This God who made me and then decided oh well, lets just have some fun. I am not his slave or toy.

I will not use the past as my excuse to be fat, to cry, to be ugly, to be less, to be meek, to be an inspiration, to be a role model, to be a stupid testimony. I will not use my past as my pity pill, my tear duct, my identity. I will not use that past to define me. I am who I am and I will harness my own perfection and be so strong by giving myself what I deserve.

Strength is not defined as the absence of failure, or pain, or memories, or haunting thoughts. But the feeling of peace when you look at yourself today in the mirror and know that you have every right, ability and will to make today work and protect yourself.

24 years of abuse, first by circumstances, then by adults, then by the church.

This is what made me so strong today. Now watch me get stronger and enjoy every bid of my twisted past and confused present.

And just so you know, the sex is still fantastic, just like it has always been. ;)

I'm loving my life. With it's imperfection, pain and endless routine.

Self-awareness is such a gift.

fresh and free.

2009-09-30T12:03:00.001-07:00

by Zach Blume (source)

"You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel. I can't tell you something that ain't real."

My heart was hammering on my rib cage as the cool down track for the day's RPM slowed down my breath, sweat was dripping down my face, I licked the salty and tangy stream, reminiscence of the taste of tears and how a year ago I was such an emotional wreck.

Right there and then I felt so accomplished, and proud at how far I've came, from that sad insecure person I have grown from strength to strength and reclaimed my life from someone who abused me.

Today I celebrate my achievements, I celebrate my life rediscovered with blood caking my fingernails, yes this is hard, but yes this is so right.

Infact it's been quite a while since I last cried the broken war-torn abusive relationships I had.

I am free indeed. The knowledge that I am able to heal and mend on my own is pure liberation.

"There is nothing wrong about being who you are,
what is wrong is the belief that you
will not, can't or don't deserve to
have it made better."

A typical day

2009-09-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Unmade Bed by Tania Leshkina (source)

I have a brief 10 minute window before I go grocery shopping, pick up brother 1 and give him another session of intensive-crossfingers hope it will work PMR cramming. Doing this while cooking lunch and then sending brother 1 for tuition and hopping off to squeeze in an hour of RPM before teaching another class until 11pm.

And I really, really need to get my room cleaned. I need organization tips!

I am still dreaming of escaping. for the mean time, the only form I have is the bliss of closing my eyes during track 6 of RPM, as my leg goes almost weightless as I sprint across the make believe highway of blue skies and flat roads.

Such is the way your body rewards you for working hard. =)

p/s: Should I join the Quacky Run organized by PJLA for Breast and Cervical cancer awareness?

Will power.

2009-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

"Will power is a fleeting moment of bravado, that flash of inspiration, it's learning behavioral things you can practise to protect yourself."

Fat Fat Fat

2009-09-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

Fat Excuses. I have been heavy for as long as I can remember. I remembered how I used to tell myself that it's fine, women come in all shapes and sizes and we should all embrace who we are naturally. And I know how to dress well and look well, so what's the problem here?

The problem is what does it feel like to really accept yourself physically? How do you know whether you are what you're supposed to look like or are you just lazy, not disciplined and primarily just neglecting yourself physically by cultivating bad living habits?

After loosing 20kg (and I hope more) I came to understand this, that being over weight is not a sign of self confidence or acceptance (do let me know if it's not the same for you) it's a sign of lack of self-control and/or neglect. Whichever it is, it is bad for you in the long run.

My journey of faith(less) has left me cold turkey without anyone to lean on, weak, trembling, and only the knowledge that I have to get away from the structure that nearly caused me my life. Yet I had to rebuild me with my own two hands, screaming through pain and agony, but this change was much needed. This is who I am meant to be. I don't believe in being anything less than perfect just because people accept me and the size I am.

Most definately not, it is not about people because in the end of the day, it's about me and I am sick and tired of people patronizing my size, I had to change, I must change. If I were to remain fat, I would be ugly, a recluse, unwanted, WEAK, needy and insecure. This had to stop as I picked up my barbells, I threw away the mentality that fat is ok. Fat is not ok, Fat is horrible, ugly, repulsive, sickening, poison. When I see someone fat now I just see how they are self abusing and I pity them but they must change, being fat is no way to live, it is unhealthy.

For the past 23 years of my life I have used the excuse that I am capable in other ways, to not face my physical ugliness, the painful backdrop that used to define me. I now realize that being physically fit is not being vain, being physically fit simply means that I am healthy and taking care of myself, I also have come to love my body and see it as beautiful simply because of the things it can do for me. And I will no longer give it fat excuses and depriving it from the opportunity to be anything less than my version of perfect.

22% Body Fat. I will get you. 7 more kg of fat to lose.

Freedom

2009-09-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to see that you let me go because of how you know your love strangled me and made me so infirm and torn apart. You had to show me the door because you know I can find my way out of this mess if only I am not blinded by all that you are and all that you want.

You know that for my survival I have to leave you. You allowed me to see that, you pushed me in that direction. Thank you.

This is rightly due to you, for allowing me to fight and fend for my own, for creating me like this, the person who never gives up and screams her way through pain, who is not defeated, who fights again and again.

Thank you for giving me my life back.

Today I see your face in mine and I smiled. I understood what it meant to be free.

Being free is the knowledge that I have the ability to heal and recover from anything that life can bring, in time and with enough pain and fight, there is nothing I cannot overcome alone. I am no longer afraid, no longer dependent.

Thank you for this freedom that can only be done in your absence, for the gift of letting me go. Pain has brought me such pure strength.

An eulogy

2009-09-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

It's hard to say when she died. Was it when the curtains closed that fateful march? Or when they turned their backs on her? Maybe it was during the dark months that followed her, or the day she decided enough was enough. Maybe it was during all these times that bits and pieces of her started to die like ashes out of the fire place. I am here to give her soul rest.

090908 - in purple.

See the thing about her was she tried too hard and was too needy and insecure. Just like every young women, she was eager to please, eager to show how good she was. Eager and willing to give up all to prove that she was good enough. But this eagerness took a toll on her, but she could not show that because it was not accepted. But insecurity does not leave, its like cancer and it spreads, desperate, she turned to the only place she knew then to turn to. Religion and it's claims of eternal redemption.

But you see, shit has a way of hitting the fan, and in the end it did, often times she was found rocking back and forth smiling in the pits of depression, seen so clearly now in retrospect by these picture, inside her heart was shredded piece by piece, and hence started the prelude to what was to be the long and painful process of killing herself, because so much of herself was poisoned by the shadow she lived under, the past that held her so tight, telling her that she can never be good enough, beautiful enough, strong enough. And as her life fell apart, it was evident that she had to seize the last moment to fight for herself and not wait for her savior. She started to die, to kill herself so that I can live in her place.

It was hard to see her die, I sometimes sit across her wilted form and talk to her, trying to make sense of why this change had to happen, why do I have to take her place. But she was in too much pain, so I watched as she died a slow slow death. And today I lifted her casket and threw it into the furnace, scattering her ashed over my new body, my life that I live in her place. I am ready to let her go.

I still remember the lessons I learned from her, I will remember them for life. To be strong, to be self sufficient, to be worthy of my own love, to build myself, to endure, to be different, to live for myself and myself alone, to let go, to forgive, to allow myself to be different and to not believe in what others think it's best for me. To not focus on anything else but myself first. To listen to myself, to walk alone. I will always walk alone, but this is what I am meant to be like, thats why she had to die, from taking the poison of communing too closely with people.

090909

I am thankful for the chance to live for her memory. In her death, I have come to be. I am a fighter. I will always protect and fight for me in ways she was never able nor allowed to for herself, because I am now strong enough.

2009-09-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

just so you know, and i know.

Life has never been better for me. Now, like this, with my imperfections, my cold relationships and that stupid last inch of fat that refuses to leave my body.

Life is good not because it is perfect, but because I understand that it does not have to be. And I don't have to pretend that it will be or be someone I am not.

held/honest

2009-08-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

your eyes are cloudy.
fear
then there is the need
to be anonymous yet recognized
know and unknown
you and them

segregated

there is no perceivable cure to this situation.

I have to be strong.

here are facts

- sometimes, like today I tell myself I really could not and should not be arsed about whether you make the effort to talk to me like I am doing to you, really, is this how you call yourself as my friend and always being there. But then again, I really don't care, it's like I am vindicated. I told you so that you would walk away. hahaha. and I know you won't even notice us slipping apart unless I kick a hissy fit about it. But honestly, I don't even want to kick a hissy fit about anything. I'm tired puting up with your weakness. Maybe you feel the same about that too.

- I still cannot stand the word 'love', I feel blood rushing to my head when I hear, think or see it, my temple throbs and I want to scream. And make someone hurt. Often the someone is me. Like last night it was me. again. I can't avoid love forever, but I can't face it. I can't face something I will never have.

- Sometimes I wonder whether I write all these as a subconsious call for help or for attention? Do you think I am very LOA, as pathetic as Lohan robbing her own house? As pathetic as a person who can only stay afloat by not focussing on herself but her power. Hang on, you too focus on something else to stay afloat, hah, that makes us non the different.

- I am afriad of myself. But I am trying to keep it together, give me credit. for trying.

- I want to be able to not hate a group of people, I cannot stand the way they send love on facebook or how they can have good smiles and share good memories, I really don't know why I am like this, I cannot accept love, I shun it, I hate myself sometimes. Love/hate. I think what I hate the most is that I can never be like them. I am also afriad to face the reality of this truth, and how lonely I will ultimately be.

- You want to know whats it's like to be me? It's like watching everyone live their lives, outside in and you can't feel anything, not until the emotional backlog topples and you drown and have to swim yourself to shore and suffer the cold and the pain of choking up water and your own unfelt emotions, vomitting the water you swallowed and having yourself repeat this process again and again until one day you can't swim anymore. Until one day you stop fighting.

Today I am still fighting, but not without fear, yet at least I have embraced the irony and reality of the situation. It's me and me alone, with the unknown. If I die, maybe then I rest.

p/s: If you may, tell me how to not feel whenever I hear or read about him? Or tell me why you can get him in ways I can never?

Friday Confessions: Food

2009-08-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to adapt to a discipline where I start writing again, writing I have not been doing consistently for the past 2-3 years? What? You mean my archives, I meant writing in anything OTHER than riddles. Writing as a point of reflection, of forcing myself to think about where I am and to face problems. It's my own therapy. And trust me, I have plenty.

Anorexic, Bulimic, Orthorexic, BED. What are eating disorders to me?
I have a very complicated relationship with food. I both live for it and by it. I fret about what I put in my mouth and when I place it in my mouth. Being a big child all my life in an asian culture is horrible. Everyone is smaller than me. It was so frustrating to always have to look for the largest sizes when getting clothes or feeling left out. I hate it then, I still hate it now. And being fat never really leaves you, everyday it's your logic head telling yourself that you are doing fine and the other part saying that you are a big fat pig. Not just saying it without a thought but having it follow you throughout the day, horrible. Utterly. Until today I can't really see another female and compare to find myself always uglier and less worthy then that person. It's something I am trying hard to not punish myself for.

Bulimic and Anorexic we swing back and forth. Lets not forget the BED.
When I was young, to cope with anger, pain, frustration etc, I ate. I ate copious amount of food because I want to and because I can afford to, fat? Who gives a shit? No one likes me anyway. Everyone says that I look like a boy, I'm so ugly it made no difference. Lets be fat fat fat, I'm spinning out of control. Thoughts like these were very dangerous breeding grounds for an eating disorder and the formation of the identity of a pre-teen. Ah well, but who knew, I certainly didn't.

Teenage years was not kind. slimmer friends are getting all the attention while I rot in the sickening layers of disgusting fat. Not to dwell in this any longer then I intend to, food became the enemy. In one of my senseless crash diets, I would go the whole day with two soft boiled eggs in the morning and two big diluted packets of sweetened milk tea throughout the day. I grew up watching cousins use senseless diets on themselves, I have a cousin who would only eat one table spoon of rice and a bowl of soup. Never more, never anything else. I copied her. This is dangerously anorexic, but i guess what made me not go entirely down that route was because food, ultimately was my source of comfort.

I started binging. It was filled with so much guilt that immediately after eating, I had to get the bad out of my system, this lead to my bulimic tendency which I kept on and off from my teenage years right onto my early 20s. I reasoned that when i was stressed, food could be of comfort and later I would get rid of it. My weight ballooned to an all time high and I was getting sicker everyday at looking at myself, I could not perform my daily activities without feeling like dying and the guilt drives me insane which brings in more food. A cycle.

I guess the tipping point came when I said enough was enough, I see my EDs as cries for attention that somehow I have manage to hid from people underneath my demeanor, it is a time bomb under my skin waiting to unleash itself and more than anything, I fear that I would regret not learning to treat myself right. I have myself the attention.

What exercising did for me.
As cliche as it sounds, I started exercising, slowly increasing my intensity and frequency. For once in my life I feel in control and healthy, I began to understand what it means to eat healthy and feel healthy. And it was amazing to be able to run and not feel winded, lift and not feel so exhausted, the physical strength gained was so important that I started to seek ways to improve my performance. The weight melted off like magic. It was fun, it was working, I was making myself healthy and fit, not thin. Exercising forces me to examine my diet and eat on time.

Habits die hard.
That was my OCD talking as much as exercising taught me to eat healthy, I began to be very OCD about what I put inside my mouth, sure, i eat regularly, on time and in the right amounts with a healthy balance of everything. But I am slowly becoming Orthorexic, which is defined as someone overly obsessed with eating healthy food. I started to avoid eating outside, now I will not touch simple sugar, artificial sweetener, most oily food, prossessed food and MSG. I can never finish more than a few mouthfuls of food from the outside unless i have ABSOLUTE control over what is inside the food, much so that I spend 3 hours a day prepping and cooking food for myself, making the most . I was eating everything right and I am exercising very hard.

So whats the problem?
In May I started to have symptoms of over training, like amnesia, appetite fluctuation, a torn Illiacus Muscle, and increasing fatigue and coordination problem, my body was asking for a rest even as my head just brush it off and said I was lazy, my weight loss started to slow and I fretted with my diet even more, cutting out more and more food which I deem not worth my calories. Even after my wisdom tooth removal, I was eager to jump back into my gym routine the same week itself. My head and my thoughts were all about what I'll be eating and how many hours of exercising I can squeeze in, I sometimes even go to gym twice daily. exercising at an average of 20 hours a week and reasoning that since some of the 20 hours are spent for stretching and I almost always have a single day off per week, I am resting my body, so yay me and work hard hard hard. Why do i work so hard? Beside the obvious image problem, there is a deeper reason of wanting to be in control and the best, but maybe another friday :)

What would be good for me now.
Is to start cutting myself some slack, many people said that loosing all the weight was already a good achievement, I often think that it is not enough, even now as I type this sentence I know I still don't think I am fit enough or toned enough. I blame it to the carbs I ate or the scoop of rice I took from my brother's plate. But I have to understand that my body needs to adjust and some rest would only do it good, everything in moderation.

As fat as I think I am I have to understand that pushing myself in to the extreme would result into another disorder. I have to learn to see food as a form of sustenance and the fact that If I am eating healthy most of the time, that one bad meal or a few rest days won't cause me to balloon like elephant on steroids.

I swear one day my OCD will be the end of me.

Forgive

2009-08-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

it tears me up I tried to hold on but it hurts too much I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay

Hey.
I'd like to tell you that I am fine. Generally. I guess.
I want to say I'm very sorry for turning away from you, there is guilt there, there always have been. I think I am ready to recognize this guilt. And let you know.

Anger is like fire and by turning away from you, the fire died down, I don't feel angry or ill-treated anymore, I don't think that you owe me anything, or any explanation, I guess we were just wrong for each other in so many ways. But the reason I am writing this is for you to know that I have come to forgive you and myself.
When I love you and so untrue I can't even convince myself When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

You would know that my love for you was rare, sometimes I think that I was the happiest then, the purest, but it was so short lived, because it is not my nature to be that and with you I am endlessly confused and trying to be someone I am not. It's not entirely your fault, it is partly mine too, I pressure myself to change to be someone that I think you'd love but I cannot understand until this very moment that you love me just as I am.

You can't play our broken strings You can't feel anything That your heart don't want to feel I can't tell you something that ain't real Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before?

But you know how deadly it is for me to stay with you, you saved me once, now I have to save myself.

I forgive you for giving me these gifts that would burden me for life, for the flaws inside that makes me so different from the rest and the painful lessons I have to learn, I forgive you for allowing me to believe that I cannot perceive love. I forgive you for every bad thing in my life because with these bad things I can be stronger not for anyone else but myself. For better or for worse, I forgive you.

I forgive you for the dark spells, for the depression where you heard my cries and saw my tears but sat by and did not come to comfort me, I forgive you for your weakness and your inability to make me better, I forgive you for turning away from me when I am holding my dying bleeding heart. I forgive you.
Oh, what are we doing? We are turning into dust Playing house in the ruins of us Running back through the fire When there's nothing left to say It's like chasing the very last train When it's too late, too late

I can't feed my depression, I can't feed my disorders and my pain with your presence in my life. I have to go away to breath.

Yet, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I have to leave, but you'd love me enough to let me go? I have to find myself, I have to let this anger burn itself out, I have to be free for once and you are tying me down, I love you I have always loved you, to my very best, but I cannot love you anymore when I cannot love myself. I am sorry but I have to leave you before I can no longer control myself. Before I get sucked into all that it means being with you and lose myself.

So I guess this is from me to you. I forgive you. I am sorry too. But this is another ending. and as hard as it is, everyday is a day where I walk further away from you for healing. Towards the what I need the most for myself.

What we had was very personal, and for better or for worse, I want to see the experience as a gift. Thank you for this painful, difficult gift.
Let me hold you for the last time It's the last chance to feel again - Broken Strings (James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado)

Allow me to call you this one last time,
Abba, Father.

anon they say?

2009-08-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

drifting, drawn in
you, your voice, it's timbre
resonates
heart strings f l u t t e r
like music
mine

I lay my head to rest
the world shall pass me by
my legs tucked beneath
my arms stretch towards
all that was
breath
mine

Believe.

We've begun standing more than just one night.

2009-08-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

Say something funny
Say something sweet
but don't say that you love me. - I'm still breathing, Katy Perry.

It was still dark when my eye lids fluttered open, my back against his chest and the film of sweat that covers us. His breath and stubble rubs against the sweet spot behind my ear in a steady comforting rythym I reached down and interlaced my fingers on his at the canvas of my belly, his long slender music making fingers across the span of my core. The smoky scent of his sheets infused together with my dreams, the memory of him holding my waist right above the hip bone, pressing himself hard against and into me as he leaned down and kissed the exact same spot, stealing my breath away, our eyes locked onto each other. is this right, do you want this? He asked. Oh yes, it's so good, it can never be wrong baby. Our words punctuated by the hiss of our breath against gritted teeth as we met, my back arching underneath his fore arms as he linked them together and brought me up to my knees, kissing me on my eyes, my face, my neck, my mouth, the taste of us and our sticky love making.

***
I'll buy you a drink he says.

Well, well, look who is persistent. The drinks here are free, smart guy.

I'm smart enough to find you now, didn't I?

You need a new pick up line. But before that, yes lets see you get me that drink.

***
So whats your story? He asks

It does not have you in it, I smiled.

Yet.

Right. And you'd be significant enough because?

I'm smart enough to buy you free drinks.

Look at that male ego talking.

***
Can I kiss you this time?

It depends.

On?

Whether you are in for the companionship or for the sex.

Can't I have both?

Can't be greedy now can we?

Why not.

I can be a good friend, I can be a good lover. I don't want to be both.

Let me change your mind.

***
I turned to face him, he was awake after all.

Hey. I only care that you're here now, I don't care where you were before. Can you just not leave?

Lets not talk about that all right, not now.

Will I be in your story now, baby?

Side Notes

2009-08-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

One
I am coveting dresses that resembles this.

Karen Millen Tweed Dress With Frill Hem

- Stretch tweed dress by Karen Millen
- High neck with open v-front and short sleeves
- Fitted shape with button trims and frilled hem

Two
I have so much fat stored in my thighs its not even funny anymore. I am looking forward to the day when I can cross my legs without squishing my inner thighs together. I am going to be very diligent with my cardio. I need to work hard and lose more weight. Eat well and lose more weight. Lean, strong, flexible.

Three
I have to sleep. This is nonsense. Stop. Being. Hyper.

Four
I have nothing good to write about. I don't know how to write anymore. The horror.

Five
My fav quote of the moment.

“Obsession is a word the weak use to describe the dedicated“

burning away

2009-08-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

There's always cracks
Crack of sunlight
Crack in the mirror on your lips
It's the moment of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist

It's hard to not be manipulative in the situation that I find ourselves in, hard to not want to trigger an emotion of a reaction from your shallow eyes and scream in your ears, but my composure is always the same. But I cannot go on playing the innocent card with you.

So I had to make you see how I can be, the weakness that I have to work hard to live with, my imperfection, and that you, you needed something that I cannot give you, and I don't want to change for you. I cannot because I am still grieving from the missing years of trying to be someone I am not to love.

Love and hate.

So I had to make you go. I had to allow myself to be in the arms of someone else to make you leave, and I promised myself I will enjoy every moment of you walking out of my life so that I would hurt less and be less angry at your inability to accept me for who I am.

But for once I am no longer afraid, life alone is pretty good, like you said it, I am one who is independent. Maybe you never considered that I'm independent because there is no one I can depend on, or that the price of this strength is pain, pain that sears like a shooting star inside my being both tragic and beautiful at the same time. Burning away the remnants of what we had for each other.

slowly I will be able to not need this sort of affection. Not from you, not from anyone else.

It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
We only spun the web to catch ourselves
So we weren't left for dead.
- Pink, I'm not dead.

- Image from Post Secret,

Here/gone

2009-08-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

I think we forget how it was like to be able to be so self contained, where the world for us is chiefly about how we love and appreciates and nurture ourselves. No we begin to want love from others, which is only natural since humans are communal in nature. But have we ever stopped for once and wondered, what if I put my needs first and then everything else? What if for once the act of caring for me, I do for me first, then what?

Haven't you notice the pattern of the way things are already, they come, they stay, they leave. Rinse, wash and repeat story, people often have good intentions, they are often optimistic, and they do not see, that in a strange way that they are immune and I dare say never able to understand that everything is just gone and life really is about the present and seizing that moment to do justice to your own existance.

Are you giving yourself your best, or are you breaking it into pieces to serve others, There is nothing wrong in giving but if we do not give to ourselves first, where and how do we give after wards? Because we give others before ourselves, even if we are giving to some omniscience being who claims to supply our needs and keep our cups runneth over, we have expectations, which I am sorry to say is bound to lead to disappointments.

Disappointments are natural in any relationship, But when someone claims eternal love, you'd think he would at the very least let you not shoulder the distilled version of disappointment, where your heart grows bitter and broken and brittle and unloved, because you were too busy trying to love others that you have nothing left for yourself. And it is only natural that inside of you, you turn your back away.

I threw my hand up and said game over one and a half years ago, I detoxed by an inability to fill that empty shell which is me, the panic, the fear, the uncertainty, the worthless bitter wretched feeling that consumed me like wild fire and months that came immediately where pain strikes again and again as I hung in the background of people's lives, and as the poison of love and bitterness, hope and disappointments flow out of my veins, I regained my sense of self and came to the conclusion.

I will protect myself. And I will be strong.

Underneath all the bitterness is a sense of self that is almost carnal in nature, but I will love and protect myself. I know I can love others, I also know that I cannot perceive the love of anyone else but I, this I have embraced. And the pain started to stay away.

Today I place a full stop to it all. I don't have to ask myself what would I think when someone turns away from my life again, I don't have to ask about why am I not good enough for the person to stick around or why so I need to feel bad about feeling like this.Taking care of myself first negates that need. I don't go hungry if I feed myself first.

So you're here/gone and as much as it hurts, I have moved on.

You do not deserve my attention.

Everywhere/nowhere

2009-08-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

There are those who are always able to see love everywhere
and there's you, who never sees it.

yet life goes on.

and it is no less beautiful without love.

Fat Excuses

2009-08-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

Stop talking yourself out of living a healthy lifestyle,
Start talking yourself into living a life your body deserves.

Eat well, sleep well, and exercise your lazy ass.

2009-08-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that
I do not love him.

my life is so much more easier and painless.

I'm not scared at all.

2009-08-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgivness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Crystal Ball -Pink

010809/020809

2009-08-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Day 1 010809 (sat)
Meals
1100am - Breakfast (600kcal)

Quaker instant Oats - 3 table spoons
Nestum - 2 table spoons
Cornflakes - 2 handfulls
Raisins
Low fat milk
Almonds x5

3egg whites and 1 whole egg.

230pm - Lunch: (400kcal)
3egg white stir fried with celery (what was i thinking)
sauteed lettuce with soy
steamed carrots
1 portion of Low Fat Cheese

6pm : Papaya, 1 slice (70kcal)

7pm: Dinner (700kcal)
Half a bowl of pumpkin and carrot soup in chicken broth (I didn't touch the bread!)

Chicken teriyaki with rocket, lettuce, pine nuts and apple with parmesan cheese.

12am 1 glass of lowe fat milk (180kcal)

Total calories consumed (estimate) 1900kcal ugh.

I know i am marking up the calorie count for most food, will be more disciplined in writing the kcal.

Work out : Rest

Day 2 020809 (Sun)

930am: Breakfast.

Same as above, without eggs (400kcal)

12pm: Body Combat + 1km rowing (target: 500m in 2 minutes, yes me insane)

1pm : One packet of milo (150kcal) -enough of this carb laden workout drink. ugh.

110pm: Pump (Weights going strong!)
215pm: Balance

330pm: Subway chicken teriyaki, wheat, assorted veggies, slightly drizzled with teriyaki sauce and vinegar ONLY (400kcal)

Papaya x1 portion (70kcal)

6pm: 2 slices whole grain bread + 1 portion of cheese (300kcal)

730om: 3 pieces Curry chicken, 2 pieces of potato (extremely oily, used paper towels to mop oil), rice, a few strands of vege (500kcal) - home cooked, no choice. :(

8pm: Pear + dragin fruit (150kcal)

12am: LFMilk (180kcal)

Total calories consumed: 2150 (this is disgusting)

Calories burned via workout: 600kcal.

No more junk.

Operation Lean up phase II

2009-08-02T03:21:00.000-07:00

So what was phase I?

Sorry la, it's in my journal, not online.

Phase I was basically shrinking me from 87.3kg to the current 69kg, a 18kg lost.

For the first two months I dropped 4kg (2kg/mth)
subsequent 4 months I dropped 1okg (2.5kg/mth)
For the past 4 months I have only lost a miserable 4.2kg. -__- (1kg/mth)

My diet was strict but not EXTREMELY, I still go out with friends, still eat food outside, still eat carbs for dinner sometimes, or most times. And I am not getting enough protein.

Still have a bad habit of not sleeping enough.

I also have a bad habit of using pump classes as a substitute for doing actual weights.

Well, doing all those have helped me shed 18kgs. Now it's time to get real.

Am I satisfied with the way I am today?

NO.

I am not ready to stop, not ready to be this weight. Yes my BMI is healthy but i have to lean up, no extra flab on me at all, just muscles. Thank you very much.

The current target is to hit 22% body fat by the end of the year.

It's time to kick ass, say no more to dessert, cakes, or any carb laden fatty food, no more beer (oh gosh this will be so hard), I'll do it or die trying.

Operation Lean Up Phase II

Goal:

To achieve 22% body fat and weight of circa 60kgs (2kg extra allowed ONLY if body fat percentage achieved).

Problem areas

1) Too much carbs.
- Only one load of breaf/week. Only eat whole grain.
- Morning cereal to be reduced and substituted with more egg whites.
- Strictly no more carbs after 7pm.
- No more sweet stuff, (cakes, ice cream, durians :( )
- Be extremely picky with what ends up in my mouth, even when eating out with friends.

2) Not enough protein
- purchase whey protein shake (all my beer money will go here, not that it's enough but nvm)
- eat more eggs and more low fat dairy. even when I don't like it.
- Cook more chicken and fish.

3) Not enough sleep.
- Shower by 1130pm, be in bed by 1215am.

4) Cardio.
- Morning sessions. 4days/week
- Variety.

5) Weights
- Learn to use free weights in the gym (this is scary) and lift heavy.
- pump during rest days with lighter weights (I can't believe I am doing this. Insane.com)

6) Consistency in recording my progress. (Food, workout, reflection).

Let's get it started.

=)

Losing weight is very personal

2009-07-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

The size was more than just fat and weight, it was a life spinning out of control, its about not learning to take care of myself is about putting myself down again and again. It was weakness and fear manifesting.

Today I declare it over, I take reign over my own life, I will care for myself, I will love myself. I will continue to treat myself right and transform my body into a moniker of health, vitality, power and confidence.

I do not need anyone or anything for strength, the greater strength is from within, from the shouting and sweating and the pain and gain and the lessons learned. From making good choices, from learning to keep myself afloat and fighting depression.

From the knowledge that I am always stronger than I think I am. Always.

More importantly, for the first time in my life, I know I am getting something right.

22% Body fat, I AM OUT TO GET YOU and OWN YOU FOR LIFE!

Scales

2009-07-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

----------------- Note to self skip this----------------------------
I did a bad thing today.

I took my weight after 7 weeks on a commercial scale.

NEVER do it.

Not if you are weight training and loosing fat simultaneously.

YOU JUST DONT KNOW WHETHER THE LACK OF WEIGHT LOSS IS DUE TO MUSCLE GAIN OR NOT!

and here I am sitting here fretting about it.

ding ding ding.

Last week's work out will be

Sunday: RPM + Pump + Balance. PM (-900kcal)
Monday: RPM + Balance (-600kcal)
Tuesday: Combat +RPM (-1000kcal)
Wednesday: Pump + RPM (-700kcal)
Thursday: Balance + Combat. (-500kcal)
Friday: RPM + Balance (-600kcal)
Saturday: PLEASE REST.

Total deficit via exercise = 4300kcal.

estimates estimates, must get heart rate monitor for accurate reading.

Notes:
Too much strain on hamstring and glutes. (thank you serial RPM!) should i vary training, we shall know after i weigh myself on sunday.

Carbs before 6pm, more morning workouts.

Restart food diary (sigh)

--------------------end---------------------------------------

Frankly

2009-07-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

I think I am pretty angry inside, I shelf away this anger very well.

Retaliating with anger is very normal when I am hurt or ill treated. From a young age I learned to channel this anger into a bigger pushing force for me to constantly be better. It's the way I cope, by turning away from the hurt and lifting my chin up.

This forces me to have tunnel vision and often over exhaust myself, too busy achieving, ignoring the hurt and anger, not taking care of myself.

See the anger has to go somewhere and somewhere along the way I realize I direct most of it to myself. And you do not need a degree in psychology to know that this is not the right way to deal with anger.

Sidetracking a bit. I am not comfortable referring myself as a real person when I write, like using 'I' and 'me' and 'my'. I prefer using a second person although technically I am still talking about me. Maybe this has something to do with some other thing.

So regardless, here I am trying to figure out how to NOT direct anger to my ownself and its actually an ever failing process. My behavior patterns are one, get upset/hurt over someone, and this someone is usually a person i care about, so the solution to this, albeit not a wise one is to be very picky about who and what I care for and about, like detoxing. I know it's a bit heartless but well, I've got to do what I have to do.

Should I still get pissed or hurt, which will happen, two, I always channel that anger internally, ie: self blame/abuse, I dont know why I react this way, but pretty much because of the way I learn how to cope when I was young, sort of like habits that dont really die. This is one that I have. I always find new ways to put myself down on the inside by pushing myself up on the outside. If that made sense to you.

I am angry with alot of things and alot of people, and frankly, I don't even want to face them (read: avoidance) I really hope that in time I would be able to seperate myself from most of the source of my anger. And let myself come to terms with it one by one.

Learning to focus on myself anf my needs above all else helps, as selfish as it sounds, its the way that is working for me.

Paranoid

2009-07-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

-One-

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care.
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains.
-Augustana | Boston

How long must I continue to play these pleasantries of hellos and i am fines? How many more people must I amputate from my life before I can be myself? Why do you force your opinions and wants on me when I don't ask for them? Did I ever claimed to be open minded? Did I ever said that I am here for an open dialogue about this issue. No. no and no.

Stop talking about my past, stop digging it out and ask me whether I regret, because everytime one of you say it, directly or indirectly, I say a silent thanksgiving that I have stepped out from the place where I used to belong with you. I do not need you sitting on a high chair judging me when you don't even know the first thing about me and being me.

Remember, I never claimed to know your struggles, so don't pretend to wear my chains. you can't even begin to understand.

-two-

I pretend you exist, since I was pretty young, until now. That you were watching over me. I would like to think that I've been waiting for you since then, that I instinctively know that you exist and that I would know who you are if I would be able to meet you and talk to you and it would be the same for you too. I think that when we meet there will be no second guessing of our intention and that we will go for it, passionately and with the determination that we both deserve. You're not the type that play games.

I've met many boys in my life and they are just very wrong for me, they make me miss you all the more and I can't wait to finally be with you, to see your face light up in my presence and feel my heart soar when your fingers brush mine.

I've to admit that I doubt whether you are a fragment of my idealistic imagination, do you doubt my existence too?

I am slowly making my life simple and happy, I am preparing myself so that I can be a better me for me, and hopefully when our path cross, you'd be able to carry me, but I'm doing just fine on my own as well.

Just the thought that you might exist makes living worth while, because, I might meet you tomorrow after all.

We don't know that now do we?

-three-

Crowning Glory

2009-07-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

After 8 years of having my hair kept long with length varying from waist to shoulder, from straightened and naturally wavy. I butchered more than 80% of my hair in one hair cut to a chin length bob.

Lets not be fooled but I loved my long hair, to me my hair is an integral part of me being a 'she' instead of a 'he'. I credit this to the many years when I was mistaken as a boy when I was growing up.

So why did it had to go?

In the beginning of 2008, I was asked to prove my love to my lover, see my lover have many loves, woman which are more beautiful than I, or so I used to believe by the fact that they are more protected and understood love in ways which until today I fail to comprehend. Their tears and words of love were poisonous venom to my own inability.

I rose to the challenge with my headstrong stubborn self, I gave in and holed myself out entirely for my lover and my lover alone, months of sleepless nights and abuse from the other women caused my emotional state to take a steep plunge. My lover who said that he would walk me through the valley of darkness brought me to a place where darkness was but a prelude of greater terrors and he stood by as I had to fend for myself.

April 2008 and I was all burnt out, having alternating manic and depressive attacks, I would go for days without sleeping but not remembering what happened. Finding myself at the oddest places and having no recollection how I got there in the first place, having bouts of sadness that clawed so intensely inside that I would hyperventilate. Going through days without taking a shower. In the many years of loving my lover, I have stopped taking care of myself and there was no one to take care of me.

The months rolled in a mess, my weight rose and I became so utterly ugly and untended for that I cant even see myself in the mirror. But the release from my lover was what I needed and as I extradited myself from him I started to relearn how to take care of myself, how to love myself. Such a difficult lesson that even today I struggle to remember and to not think that I need him to be with me for me to be loved, no matter how unconditional his love is said to be.

Surviving from this abusive relationship, I cut off almost all ties with every one who reminded me of him, I needed space and fresh air, I needed to find me. I started to regain my sense of self and step by step corrected the misconceptions I have about myself when I was with him. I learned to take steps to keep the mood swings at hold and I learn to take things a step at a time.

October 2008, one of my goals is to empower myself, I needed a goal that was entirely selfish yet good for myself, I signed up for a gym member ship and now I am loosing my 20th kilo. I am much stronger, and more healthier, the physical exertions enables me to push myself for myself, no longer will I give out my effort to benefit anyone unless I have first benefited and taken care of myself. This is my promise to me.

At the end of my campus life, I was relieved to be able to move out of the whole experience and as a sign of how I love my own unique strength and beauty, the hair had to go because the act alone symbolizes how much I love myself. How sure I am of my own ability and my strength. That I do not have to be like them.

Leaving my lover is an extremely painful thing to do, but staying with him would cause me my life and that was the greater unfelt pain that was the bigger danger. Yet pain was not for nothing, I am still in pain, but I have learn to see it as a way that I can draw strength from, something to make me better, stronger and happier. I learn to maximize my strengths to support my weakness.

Is it hard to look at those women now, yes it is and it will always be, their childlike believe and purity is something that I will never acquire, their contentment and how easy they acquire love would always be a sore reminder. but in place of the protection they generate with their pure charms, I have learn to draw strength to protect myself, by pushing myself physically I know that I am never meant to be like them and I am fully capable and self-sufficient. I know for a fact that I am stronger and better than any of them because you will never see me cry for myself ever again. I will make mistakes but I will rise again, stronger each time.

Here's to a whole new chapter, my crowning glory is my inner strength and physical vitality. =) This I will safeguard and preserve. For me. Yes for me.

Project suitlin sayang suitlin is going strong.

a long time coming

2009-07-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hardly Lucid.

I am 24, don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know what I am meant to do or who I am meant to be, I don't know who has the answer.

I suspect I have a mental condition known as bipolar disorder.

I am not always like this, in my teens, I am aggressive and determined, I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get it. And I got most of what I wanted and more.

In my early 20s I started on a route that would bring me much uncertainty and sadness. This journey was chronicled in my previous blogs, but I do not wish to revisit them anymore.

Now in my mid 20s, I have turned from this path into something which is unknown and lonely. The fog here is so thick that I am do not know where I am putting my next footstep on, but I continue walking because I believe in the ability of sheer human strength to overcome and to triumph.

I take things a day at a time, because I am after all, hardly lucid.

smoke.

2009-07-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

It was like capturing smoke or air, it was like trying to make sense of confusion. It was so many things but it was never what I want it to be.

It can never be.

Today I choose to forgive you, just like every other day I turn away from the things that you do to me or the things you've said to me.

Today I choose to forgive you for not knowing and never trying.

Today I choose to put aside my need.

What is different is that I can no longer want anything from you anymore. I have became cold and distant and entirely self-sufficient. I have turn a deaf ear to your yelling and your ignorance.

I have grown strong to forgive your weakness.

But

I can't help but wonder if you were to see me, to really see me, maybe this illness would not be so great.

But that did not happen. So I'm here to face this alone.

Just like the invisible strength of fumes, blanketing the atmosphere, I rise again and again to save me.

Strong

enough.

Awkward Beginnings

2009-07-11T09:35:00.001-07:00

Hi.

This is weird. I am not usually conversant when I write, my style shifts and changes rapidly, but I believe that writing, for me at the very least, is mainly a private affair, but hey I am getting ahead of myself.

So lets start a bit about me now, shall we not? I am 24, fresh graduate. Reluctant educator, avid gym addict.

I could list down what I have done or the people group that I was/am affiliated with, I could tell you what I can do or what I aspire(d) to be, I can tell you what I enjoy doing during my 'free' time if there is such thing, or what my personality traits are, give you my msn contacts and tell you to add me on facebook or click on my nuffnang ads. Not that there is anything wrong with these things.

But I think it is suffice that you should know that I enjoy writing. And I write to gain clarity. and, well, the rest can wait.

Also, I do not mince my words, I tell things as I believe it is. I might get controversial, use inappropriate language, perform blasphemy or offend.

I think you should have known that by now.